IJDFKA

So, Sam and I have further talked about the conversation of adding another woman and I stupidly said that I would let her be with Jay as long as she still loved and wanted to be with me, but the thought murders me inside. I don't want Sam to be with another woman any more than Glenn wants Sam to be with another man. But even if I keep saying “no” to it, she will leave me or we will just argue increasingly over the topic and eventually she will just do it anyways despite my feelings. I just ha...

16 February 2014, 10:01 PM
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Another Woman

When it comes down to being honest with Sam, I can't be because she has chosen to not want to hear the things that I fear most. I understand that we were broken up and shouldn't care but I do because I don't understand how she can say that she loves me so much and doesn't want to be with anyone else but so easily dropped me like a habit and ran to some skinny twig black chick, Jay, with a boyfriend and a kid. I mattered so little to her. But now she is saying that if she wanted to be with Jay...

15 February 2014, 04:19 PM
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Journal_pane_9357981388606980

New Years

It's a whole new year and as I came home today, without a voice, I came with a whole new recognition of who I am. I don't remember who that girl was that i used to be, but I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to be a whole new me. That is serious but loves to bowl and sing and dance and makes a fool of herself. She has friends who is closer than family and has a close relationship with her family. She enjoys the little things in life and doesn't let the world walk all over her. She is...

01 January 2014, 08:09 PM
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I Just Can't

So, Sam and I broke up because I lied and made her look horrible in order to get Kerri back. And then yesterday after we agreed to all try a Friends with Benefits sort of deal, Sam urged Glenn to leave us alone, and then she told me that her co-worker, Jay and her were flirting just after she told Jay we broke up. I felt my heart shatter into pieces. It hurt because I just didn't feel comfortable at just the thought of Jay and became more uneasy when Sam was wearing a heart necklace Jay bough...

27 December 2013, 09:06 PM
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It Won't Change Because She Can't Trust

So, it is my fault that Sam is so distant, and I could have guessed that, right? Should have known that it would be my fault again. She can't say that I am not trying now but she can say she is afraid to get close when I pushed her so far when she needed me the most. It is these stupid mistakes I make that reminds me my relationships with Sam and Glenn, individually is in hell because of me, my mistakes. Glenn is so on guard, so fearful I am going to hurt him again. I assumed just because he ...

21 December 2013, 09:59 PM
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Doormat

It seems even when I mention how I feel in letter, she pushes it off. Like she does in person. I love her but how can she love me, she doesn't show it. She says she loves me but does she really mean it? I am afraid that the only way she will ever tell me she loves me and try is when she hurts me so bad I want to leave her. Is that what I have to do? Tell her "You need to show me you love me, or I am gone?" I can do that because of the kids I cannot just give her an ultimatum because the kids ...

12 December 2013, 05:37 AM
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I'm Just Not Me Today

I'm tired and exhausted. And I am still worrying about my Nana even though she is home now. So obviously she is gonna be okay. But part of me isn't convinced. And I'm trying to find a job. But can't seem to get one. I have a headache. And just want to sleep... :c This is just my crappy day and I'm not sure of how I feel. It is indescribable.

11 December 2013, 09:52 PM
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What about Sam?

I really don't know what to do about her. We used to be happy but now, not anymore. We had our fights in the beginning, like now, but at least then we could cuddle and kiss and be happy. Now its like we don't know how to be us anymore. After 15 months together, we are dead inside. I used to think that we had a chance to be an us. The way she wanted me back in August and September. The way she wanted me last year. But now that the year is coming to an end it seems that we might be too. I just ...

11 December 2013, 01:22 AM
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It Gets Worse Before It Get's Better

So, Nana is in the hospital because she had a stroke and I am beyond tired, and hungry and exhausted. Watching her wasting away kills me inside. And then people feel that they deserve a right to gripe at me because I am being a bitch? I have spent a total of over 24 hours with her in the allotted three days since her stroke. Trying so hard to help her improve and get better. And all I want to do is be held. But today I settled for sex with Glenn which ended up being the first Role-Play with h...

10 December 2013, 03:36 AM
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Quality Time/ ZILCH

I get clingy, I know. I need time with Sam and Glenn, and when I don't get it, I am angry beyond belief. I get cranky and moody because I want time with my loves. Is it THAT big of a deal to WANT time with MY loves? Sometimes it seems that way. I spend a lot of time with the kids above Sam and Glenn. I love the kids but where is the actual conversations that don't include Rugrats, Gabba Gabba, or Caillou? It's irritating..... I just want my loves...

17 November 2013, 01:27 AM
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Nothing Left...

I lost a lot the past year. My brother-in-law, my sister, my sanity, what else? Well, my schooling career is going down the drain and I just lost my job. What good is there to life anymore. Nothing is going how I wanted, or hoped it would. That job gave me the most hope to succeed in the past two months and now I don't know what to hold on to. Everytime I turn around I fear Sam leaving me, Glenn not loving me, the kids taken away from me. Losing friends, family. Everything that I have needed....

30 October 2013, 11:06 PM
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I Hurt

It hurts when you love someone and they tell you that they love you but aren't in love with you. It hurts the way they say they point out at that you need freedom and when you are torn from it you rebel against it, and then they tell you that they are scared that they are not giving you that freedom and that you will rebel and hate them. Do you know that feeling in your heart when it drops, just sinks to the floor and it takes everything in you to smile and fake like your not broken. I can'...

19 October 2013, 08:22 AM
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Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

I should be used to Glenn loving Sam more, and caring about her more and always being with her. I just don't know why I keep choosing to stay. When it comes down to it, it will always be this way. I look at their pictures and the two pictures especially in this collage I made. I am finding that Glenn looks miserable beside me, he has more of a sincere smile by Sam's side. I hear it from him, in his voice. He does more things for her, gave her hope when he told me there was none, he tells her ...

14 October 2013, 01:30 AM
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Letter to Nathan

Nathan, I have so much to say to you, but I don't know how to say it so I am choosing to write it instead. I can see that you are happy, and I don't want to take that away from you because I want you to be happy. That is all I have ever wanted for you, even in our bad moments. I turned to you, because I trusted you. You were always so upset when I said I was afraid to lose my faith in you because I didn't know if our friendship could weather a shit storm. Whether we could still have a solid ...

08 October 2013, 04:04 AM
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Nathan...

Nathan is father to the baby I lost, and I feel so confused because my feelings are very bundled up together that I can't even comprehend if the love is because of Scarlet or because I love him. This is coming up because of his being back in Arizona. I am glad he is back but isn't I can't seem to put two and two together with him because of our history. We were best friends for as long as I could remember. We had kissed several times my freshman year and discussed having sexual relations. I w...

08 October 2013, 03:59 AM
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Not Sure....

So, I got the sex I wanted. YAY! But the negativity of it all is that Glenn went through my phone and read a message where I said I love you to my friend Nathan who was using terms of endearment to refer to me, and it started this big issue of a trust factor to whichh Glenn obviously doesn't trust me... not that I blame him. And Sam is upset because she doesn't like that I can't be in a completely lesbian relationship because I enjoy male companionship as well. She didn't take it very well. A...

24 September 2013, 02:25 AM
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The New Beginning

I love the new place, I do. And it feels like a new start but then again all the bull shit that happened at the new place is happening here, and I don't want it to be that way. I wish that it could be equality throughout the triad, not one more loved than the other. Because I really want this to work, but it won't if there isn't equality. I love Sam and Glenn, I am working on equally but they aren't. Maybe I am hypocritical because I speak of wanting equality but my love doesn't weigh the sam...

23 September 2013, 02:24 AM
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