back here again

well.. as expected.. i have returned here to announce yet another comeback. not proud. not at all. for a moment everything was going well and then i fell into a black hole for about 3 weeks, letting myself be consumed. i dont even know how my mind allows excuses to self destruction. its not fine, and no it will not be easy to let this bad lifestyle go. I feel out of touch with my body, i not longer feel good, i know since i can see my skin getting worse and worse. i smoke more and more despi...

27 November 2019, 10:23 PM
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declustering my brain

i feel good. a sentence i havent heard myself say in a little while. but now i do. slowly but surrely im making better decisions and improving my health. the main issue was smoking weed. i have been actively using it as a coping mechanism for the last two ongoing three years of my life. it made me build walls in my brain that didnt let in reality. i started to feel anxious without it and recently it made me feel bored. as if without it, i couldnt be able to enjoy anything anymore. not smoking...

26 October 2019, 09:22 PM
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cleaning my room

when i feel like starting a new chapter of my life which occurs every now and then, i always start by cleaning my room. in this case, i want to be able to feel comfortable and organized in order to be productive. by cleaning i reduce my list of mental chores that cause me to be distracted. this morning i cleaned my sheets, set up new one's, cleaned the mattress, aired out the room, filtered my shelves and it looks less clustered. Sometimes I tend towards a minimalist perspective on material...

14 October 2019, 11:50 PM
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personality traits i don't like about myself

i am clingy, i don't enjoy being alone or at least i havent learned to do so yet. i want to feel secured so i ask a lot of questions on the what where and how's. i am a failed comic in my eyes, i love laughing but overshare too much when i feel comfortable or when there's a silence. i ask a lot of questions to engage conversation , sometimes its just out of need to not feel awkward or im just genuinely interested but domt know how to properly approach people. i am not always honest and pressu...

14 October 2019, 02:19 AM
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sometimes it goes wrong again

what could I possibly say about the last diary entry on this page? it has been three years... the aspect of time really changes my perspective on my evolution. eventhough it feels like im still stuck in the same sand. i have been avoiding writing,music,movies and anything i used to enjoy in order to block out some parts of my thoughts. i feel like i could melt down any moment but find myself, ironically doing the exact thing but with unhealthy habits. to refresh this page and clean dusts of...

14 October 2019, 02:03 AM
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Part 2 : The Double ''F''

FACTS : I am 18 years old, 19 this summer. I haven't weighed under 60 kilogrammes since like 4 years or more. I am 160cm. I weight 67 kilogrammes at this point. FEARS: My biggest fears are my chin, which doubled. My stomach, that sometimes I feel like I'm pregnant with triplets. My thighs, that have become so wide, I could fit 3 people on them. My ass is flat. And my arms are getting massive. BASICALLY my whole body is responding negatively to what I'm doing to it, it's horrible and natu...

29 January 2017, 09:00 PM
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Part 1 : reflexion

I acknowledge the fact that I have gained weight / that I have let myself go/ that I am not doing anything / that I do not treat myself like I should. I don't know if I'm scared or just lazy. Scared of what? Scared of change, scared of failure and committing to MYSELF. Lazy includes not having the willpower to go run, to drink a lot of water when there's coke, MAKE BAD DECISIONS. I have a boyfriend, who loves me and I am the luckiest girl to have him. He is wonderful. But I know that t...

29 January 2017, 08:52 PM
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