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Question: What the Hell am i doing with my life?

simple answer: I have no effing idea. The long version: Well my life has been a struggle for as long as i can remember. that lead to a lot of things to change in my life, perception and views on the other hands it has solidified a number of traits in my personality some of which are good some of which i would like to change. Depending on when the thoughts pop in my head I tell myself i've made quite a long trip and i've grown immensely but i am still lost. on the opposite end, i sometimes...

13 January 2015, 04:19 AM
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You Wanted to know

Well you weren't there for me. At least in the way i needed you . you cut me down to size. You made me feel like I didn't really matter. You made me feel like I could never do anything on my own. You never truly listen

12 July 2014, 04:41 AM
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anything positive about me

I am smart. I am funny.sensitive

28 April 2014, 04:42 AM
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Isolation

Disconnected a very familiar feeling that I Don't belong. I've carried it with me wherever I went ever since I was a child. Today a friend of out of town wanted to hang out with me and other friends. And I was feeling lonely. But still I chose not to go because it would be the same way it always is. I'd sit there awkwardly just watching them talk and always feeling like an outsider. It's how all of my relationships are like . I don't know how to communicate anymore. How to relate to some...

20 February 2014, 05:27 AM
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Hello again

It's 3:41 am and about an hour ago I started having that all familiar feeling gnawing me from inside. The weird mix of pain, fear sadness, loneliness and emptyness. So welcome back my friend sweet depression. I feel like I am fooling myself. There is a voice deep down in me saying this will never work it's futile. U'd only end up hurting People. But it's Something that I crave somehow. I am doing the opposite of what I should. It's like you know you are heading into a big wreck but you ju...

01 February 2014, 09:35 AM
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Finding me

I just watched "Finding Joe" and it's about the never ending cycle of " A hero's journey". A person needs to break away from the familiar hypnosis and face their face their Fears in order to grow and evolve and all of that in the process of "following your Bliss". it left me with a lot of introspection to do. i want to find my Bliss, find my passion and do something amazing i want to grow personally. i want to stop caring about what i should or shouldn't do; To stop worrying about what other ...

27 January 2014, 03:55 AM
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1 love: TiffanieNaomi
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I wish

I wish I was all grown up, emotionally. Stable . not worrying about this pesky little things, not fretting about stupid things not have these mood swings. Wouldn't life be so much better If I knew myself better, was in peace about everything. Just thinking about that gives me serenity for a few moments . I wish , I wish I was already there

16 January 2014, 01:42 AM
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My kinks

I was lying in bed trying to sleep and I started thinking about why I do the things I do so i decided to make a list of the things I need to work on wip 1- inferiority complex 2- self value 3- feeling of isolation

03 January 2014, 12:48 AM
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Let the crazy out

I believe it is time I start therapy again. Just have to figure out how to pay for it.

29 December 2013, 02:12 AM
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Another sleepless night

My mind is going haywire as usual. My chest feels heavy. This is a time when stress is relatively low maybe that's what is causing my mind to wander back into these thoughts to try to see how far I've come or how little. I find myself wishing I would just die and this be over. I know I'll never take the plunge with my own hands cuz that would mean all of this struggle had been for nothing and I would lose it all. But still on the other hand I feel myself getting further away from God I can f...

29 December 2013, 01:35 AM
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Affirmations

I am good enough i am free to make mistakes it's ok to make mistakes I am learning growing I am valuable

02 November 2013, 04:33 PM
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1 love: arielaunnah
1 comment: Dontcarewhatuthink
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Feelings diary

I am sad i feel like crying i think if i actually let myself i might actually do so. i miss my family i want to hug my mum i am afraid of the challenges i have i am afraid i might not have the strength to actually make it through to the end

02 September 2013, 02:56 AM
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First in person group meeting

Today i had my first in person group meeting and it went well although i didn't really bond with any of the guys or shared with them deeply. i did get a feel of the group dynamics . anyway we grabbed dinner afterwards and talked (they did mostly Don and Ben) about politics and cars The thing is it was a good experience but when i got out of jeremy's car i became aware of this feeling that i have and it's becoming a pattern like it's usually happens after one of the meetings I feel Heavin...

02 September 2013, 02:48 AM
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Daring Greatly Reading notes

Theodore's Roosevelt's Man in Arena Speech Moved me gave me goosebumps The ten points of Wholeheartedness ( i am doomed) "keep everyone at a safe distance" that's typically me "No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, i am enough" "yes, i am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but i am also brave and worthy of love and being loved"

20 July 2013, 12:46 PM
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Trying to be Vulnerable

Dad I am angry with you because of what you did when you found out about my ssa years ago You left me alone when i actually needed you, you disowned me, you made it all about you, instead of Taking away my pain you severely aggravated it You made me feel like shameful,unlovable

18 June 2013, 05:43 PM
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Listen

Dad & mum i can see you have been trying to get me to talk to you. I want to talk to you but i don't trust you yet. What would help me to trust you and let the walls down is that u stop offering me solutions, things to try or options. I need you to stop trying to problem solve with me when i talk with you.These are the things I don't want, because they make me think you don't understand so i don't feel heard and it feels like you are trying to handle everything for me and push and push and pu...

20 May 2013, 06:13 PM
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Dad & mum i can see you have been trying to get me to talk to you. I want to talk to you but i don't trust you yet. What would help me to trust you and let the walls down is that u stop offering me solutions, things to try or options. I need you to stop trying to problem solve with me when i talk with you.These are the things I don't want, because they make me think you don't understand so i don't feel heard and it feels like you are trying to handle everything for me and push and push and pu...

20 May 2013, 05:22 PM
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What i would say If you are listening

Since we don't really know each other well, i'll tell u some things about me so that maybe they would help u understand me better I grew up alone, i did everything by myself i studied alone, played alone so it was always just me and my head i had no one to talk to. if i had to figure something out i was on my own. U asked me for my forgiveness before even though i want to i don't think i am ready, i still have a lot of anger in me. you partly contributed to all these flaws in me: I am ver...

06 May 2013, 07:27 PM
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Dear Son

This a reply for you mail that you are expecting and asking me not to reply to. It is almost 10 days now since you send it and about 1 month since your talk with us. I'm, as I expect you are, in a hurt. I'm seeing you going away from me. I need you to let me listen to you & try to give you a hand and on the other way you do the same for me. Let us start to open our heats & feelings the bad & the good. Son, I love you very much more than any father can love his. My heart is broken and ...

08 March 2013, 01:34 PM
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Dear Dad

Where were you dad? I needed a daddy to take care of me, protect me and most of all love me. i wonder what was more important that taking care of your vulnerable children. "I love you" are the words that i never heard from you and yet they have been so heavy on my tongue to say to u where were you dad ? i needed you i was young alone and scared and there you were so close but yet so far. you were apathetic it made me feel all alone, rejected and that i didn't matter at all. This caused me t...

27 February 2013, 04:30 PM
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