A Sapphic Love Story
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We almost spiralled today in a few emails. I was feeling really strong and wasn't taking any crap from her. This felt good and the overall result was a pleasant exchange. She told me she is really missing me. The second person to tell me that today. Only the other person misses me and would do anything to spend time with me. Why do we always want what we can't have?
After the trauma of the hospice and her mum passing we agreed that it would be nice to have a fresh start - a proper start at our relationship. This sounded promising and thought she'd finally make the break, but it hasn't turned out how I hoped. In her head that meant us having no contact whatsoever until some unknown time when she has sorted her life out. I know she is grieving, but why does that mean we can't even mail or text. Apparently I had a period of intensity - no shit Sherlock. The...
She is going on holiday with her next week. In May, after the first bank holiday, she said she would never spend another bank holiday or go holiday with her again. Since then she has spent two bank holidays and been on one holiday with her and now has another booked for next week. She said she needs a break. Join the fucking club. I think I'm done with being strung along. This has gone on for too long. It is so sad what has happened to her mum, but that doesn't mean she can treat me like this...
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I saw her today, but first I saw them both, they were walking into town. Ironically, they both waved. It hurt to see them together and I felt like an idiot. Then I saw her on her own and I soon got over it. She asked to meet up for a coffee and it was lovely. She was distracted and very fidgety, the funeral is playing heavily on her mind - we talked about it a bit and we got to hug, at long last I could hold her. I think that hug was hard for her - I doubt she has let many people hug her. Tod...
I am lost. I don't know what to do, what to think or where to turn. I would just like to hide under my duvet, but that doesn't pay the bills. She is consumed with her grief and so she should be. Meanwhile I am struggling to find my support network that gives me strength and allows her to deal with the life changing experience she is going through without me adding any extra pressure. I want to cry and tell someone all about it, about the secrets, about the sadness of her mum's death, about th...
Her lovely mum sadly passed away a few days ago and I have been unable to console her or deal with my own sadness. I miss her so, so much. I have seen her for about 7 minutes in the last 2 and a half weeks. I have had to offer any support over email and text and I have no idea if I have helped or been a hinderance. I have not been getting much back, which is understandable, but it's so hard to adjust to such a low level of contact and it's impossible to judge whether in her family's turmoi...
My gorgeous girl's mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer some months ago and I have adopted the approach of concentric circles through this terrible time. She is the most beautiful of the 3 beautiful daughters mentioned in my previous post and so in theory, I am one circle removed from the patient. I have tried to be the calm voice of reason and a place of sanctuary away from the terrifying ordeal of watching your mother waste away in front of your eyes. So if we follow the rules, I su...
The idea of a terminally ill patient sitting at the centre of a series of concentric circles is well-documented, but i will cover it briefly. The patient sits in the centre of concentric circles and the circle immediately surrounding the patient contains their dearest loved ones. In this example the patient sits in the centre surrounded by her beloved husband and their 3 beautiful daughters. Those in this innermost circle, closest to the patient, face in towards the patient offering suppor...
I keep thinking about Thursday lunchtime. We were supposed to be good, but we can't resist eachother and of course I ended up naked. I was on the bed, she was kneeling on the floor, head between my thighs. God she is incredible - she knows exactly how to press my buttons. Later, she popped round to say hello after work. Again, we were supposed to be good and again we were naughty - she ended up chasing me half naked through the house, but this time is was her turn for some fun, she knew exact...
I think the fact that we had such an incredible time on Thursday is what has thrown me so much. We went from Thursday bliss to absolutely nothing on Friday. It feels like she just cut me off and I couldn't help feeling massively rejected. I'm hoping in reality that Thursday was such a nice taster of our future that it kick-started her to knuckle down and sort her shit out. It's the right thing to do - I've told her I'm not playing second fiddle anymore so it's actually what I want too. It j...
Ok - I have had a word with myself and have ploughed myself into work this afternoon and feel much better. Getting out for fresh air helped. Moping about isn't going to achieve anything and I have lots to busy myself with at the moment so should just get on with it and see the positives. I have been re-connecting with people that I have withdrawn from and I'm loving catching up with everyone again. People are what I need right now. Time to re-group man. I just need to try and stop replaying A...
Why am I finding this so hard? And actually, what is it I'm finding so hard. There's so much flying thru my head - not just about her, but mostly it's her. I have had to leave work - get some fresh air. I felt like I was suffocating - clearly my flight instinct has kicked in. I see from FB she has gone to the coast - maybe her flight instinct kicked in too. I want to be there with her. To laugh and chat and walk on the beach. We have talked about doing that so much but I don't know when it wi...
So apparently the length of a piece of string (see earlier post) is directly proportional to a pile of logs in a wood shed. Who knew? That's cleared everything up marvellously thanks. The implication is that my future now seems to depend on the weather. WTF?
I can't stop thinking about her and what her weekend has been like. I don't think we have ever had an embargo that has lasted an entire weekend and having no contact has put me in a terrible mood with no one to take it out on. I have been reading some of our old mails from October/November and we were trying to give eachother space and time to do the right thing way back then. Anyone would mistake us for naive17 year olds reading our messages about expected timescales. I hope she is ok - I a...
She said she wanted to manage my expectations and told me she would be single soon. She went one step further and said the next time she calls me it would be to say she was single. Well how soon is soon? Should I expect a call this weekend? Now I think of it she signed off our last phone call on Friday by saying "speak to you next week". So am I stupid for checking my phone constantly? Does removing me from her weekend help her get us to where we want to be or does it just make her life easi...
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It's early and I find myself spooned against her back, but we don't stay like that for long. I adore her smell, the feel of her skin against mine and I can't resist her as she snoozes in my arms. I gently brush her beautiful hair to one side and explore the sweet spot behind her ear. I kiss her there so softly - I want to explore every inch of her with my tongue. I love the taste of her salty, sweet skin as she slowly starts to respond to my kisses. We both sleep in only our pants and my br...
She has said a few times "I'm a player". I had spent a fair bit of time watching her confidently shark her way around the building, so I already thought she might be. So is she? Well......players can talk to you on the phone for hours and it seems like only minutes have passed. Players share their dreams of the future, they hold you and make you feel safe while they whisper their desires in your ear. Players give you nicknames and they look deep into your eyes with an intensity that makes...
