This is the first time I've used this for a while and honestly I need help. Days clean: 0 I really need someone to talk to but I'm scared, I'm scared that if I talk to someone they'll leave me like everyone else does.
I feel like I haven't wrote on here for a while, but something happened last night, I was staying with my Grandma and now that my Grandpa has passed, the only person she has is my auntie, It's the first time in a long time that I've been able to stay there. After my Grandpa passed no one talked about it, it was never talked about, but as i was getting to sleep I heard her speaking, she was talking to my Grandpa, It was so sad because she never speaks about him and I never knew she did that. I...
Society tells us that we have to be and act a certain way to fit in, that we have to be horrible people to fit into a group. Society is well and truly fucked.
Someone asked me today what i saw when i looked in the mirror, typically like every girl i said all of the things any girl would, but it all came down to one word, imperfect. Every time i stare at myself in the mirror I wish I was looking at someone different, wish I could be someone different. I hate looking in the mirror, It shows everything that I wish I wasn't. Does anyone else have this problem?
Do you ever just feel so worthless that you don't know if you're coming or going? It's like, one minute I can be at my most happiest and in the next instant I can be in my lowest. People don't help either, most people are just a reminder of the things I've done or the things that have been said about me, I can barely walk for a hall way without questioning myself if anybody is staring or if there thinking things about me. This is the closet I get to letting anything out and it may seem pretty...
So, these past few days have just been so terrible and disastrous, firstly I was stupid enough to admit to my ex that I was indeed still in love with him to only get it all thrown back in my face, great right.
It's so hard to act happy when there's so many more things that make me sad, I wish I could be happy all the time, I try to be but it never works, I just end up thinking about all the reasons why I'm sad and then that's it, sad mode. I've tried everything I know of to be happy, but nothing works, I've surrounded myself with friends and family but the happiness never lasts to long.
Maybe I spoke to soon, maybe you can never truly be happy all of the time, maybe it's just a phase. I have never felt this alone, I feel like i annoy and bother everyone, even the lad I like hates talking to me now, I don't know what to do, the thoughts are getting worse, more frequent. It's like there's these voices that are here in my head telling me what I should do and it's getting so hard to block it all out.
So it may be a bit early to say but I think things are looking up, today was actually okay, it seemed like my friends were actually here for me, I haven't felt like this in a long time and i just hope it will last now.
So the reason I signed up to 'Diary.com' was because I guess it's just a place for me to vent, I can't talk to any of my friends about anything so I thought maybe this would be a good place to get everything out, maybe then the urge to cut would lessen, having only yourself to talk to is hard, and honestly I just want someone to be here for me once in a while, is that so selfish..
Today has been such a bad day, the big thing that has been on my mind today is cutting, it makes me feel so sick, just the thought of it makes me want to be sick, I just can't help it though.
So, i thought things were looking up, starting to get better you could say, until i got a message. There was once this guy, I thought I was madly in love with him, he made me feel so special, he'd be there for me and make me feel things no one else could. He did something to me, something that I could never forgive him for, but how can you hate someone you love so much? I'm at a loss what to do, do i go down old paths or simply move on and pursue other options?
I used to go from relationship to relationship, I didn't care who got hurt along the way, I just wanted to feel like I was wanted and that I wasn't alone. Now, I'm stuck, I don't know what I want, I find it so scary liking someone because I don't want to get my hear broken and I just think is this how i made all them guys feel? I was such a horrible person back then and even though they can't see I'd just like to say sorry.
Everyone is noticing that I'm not eating that much, It's not because i don't want to it's because of the outcome of it, I don't want to look at myself in the mirror and see something I don't like because it'll just make it all worse. I exercise and I try to stay on my own controlled diet but still everytime i look in the mirror I see this person, she seems foreign to me, I want to be able to look in the mirror and see someone that I can be pleased with.
For me, music feels like an escape, It feels like all my problems go away for a little while and I can just concentrate on the music, I listen to music that can relate to how i feel, I never used to listen to the type of music I do now but it helps in a way that I can't describe. Most of the bands that i listen to are my idols, they have been through what I'm going through and in some ways it feels as though they are closer to me..this probably all sounds stupid but sometimes it gets to the p...
My feelings are getting worse, there getting stronger and the need to talk to him is getting stronger, it seems like he only wants to talk to me when he has no one else though, I really don't know what to do. I don't want to be just the girl he goes to when he needs someone to talk to because he doesn't have anyone else, I really don't want him to just use me.
Does every girl hate her appearance? I can't even look at myself in the mirror without pointing one fault out, looking to fat is the most common fault. People say that I shouldn't worry about my weight because I'm skinny, I don't see that though, all i see is fat and I hate it, I hate the way my body is. I look at other girls and think 'Do they point out the faults they think they have? or do they just know there perfect? I wish i could go out and not think that everyone's staring at me, I j...
I've never felt as though I can be myself around guys. I've always felt that if i act like a normal happy person, they'd like me. There's this guy, I haven't known him that long and I've already told him more than I've ever told anyone, It scares me.
I think that death wouldn't be so bad, I think about death more than i should do, I'm so young but i long for the feeling to be at peace, is that so bad? I often think about what my family and friends would think, would they even care? would they blame themselves for not noticing all the signs? or would they simply just mourn the loss of me and in time move on. I want to be at peace.
I cut again, I thought i was beginning to sort my life out but it just happened, the worst part of it was that for a minute i forgot everything and let the pain of it all take every problem i have away, It felt like such a good relief that now I'm scared that I'm going to do it everytime something goes wrong. Nobody understands that the pain feels so good, everything goes away and i live for that feeling to feel normal.