How messed up I must be to look for flaws in everyone I start trusting. I look for reasons not to get too close.
My parents want to take me to get my FOID card, in case we go shooting. Little do they know that I refuse to do so in fear I'll have no problem pulling that trigger with a gun to my head one day.
"I don’t think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. Who’s going to love the girl that can’t stop crying? The girl that hurts herself? The girl that is losing control? The girl that is so sad she can’t get out of bed? The girl that keeps pushing everyone away? Who’s going to love the monster in me, who’s going to love me now?" - anonymous
I hate when people say they understand. No, you don't. You may have you're own problems but to tell me that I am overreacting is wrong of you. You don't know how down I get, you don't know the thoughts that run through my head. Yes, people get sad and it's normal. Yes, people hate themselves and have regrets and it's normal. But what's not normal is waking up every day wishing you were dead. What's not normal is constantly thinking of yourself as a failure no matter what the situation. What's...
You continuously hurt me, please stop. All I want is for you to allow me to move on.
Let me get this right..
You weren't ready to lose me the way I lost you. I told you I couldn't be "just friends" and act like we never had some sort of special relationship. You say you understand and then come back telling me how sorry you were for messing up three days later. I don't want to get close to you again, you hurt me. Of course, being me, I let you convince me to give in. You promised you'd make more of an effort this time and hell I still love you, so why would I not give you one more chance? Typical yo...
How dare you come back to me apologizing, telling me I was right. Yeah, you didn't notice what you had until it was gone. But it took you too long, now it's too late. I still want you but now the timing is terrible. Should have just left me alone like I asked.. it hurts all over again.
You know what? It sucks. It really fucking sucks getting hurt like this. But you know what else? I've survived it before. There will be many sleepless nights, many lost tears, but I'll walk out alive. I'll have more scars like I said but I know I WILL be okay. I have to stop giving people the power to bring me down so easily.
Have you ever literally felt your heart break? It's like a bee's nest was just put in your chest and they're swarming around stinging every part of your upper body. It's like the way your stomach drops on the way down the roller coaster but it doesn't end after five seconds. It's a terrible pain and it leaves ugly scars. You were just another person to leave a mark on my body, disguised as someone who would make them all go away. Where do I go now? No one will want someone with so many marks...
The depression is getting bad again. I constantly find myself wanting to just be gone.
I just want you to chase me. Prove you want me, prove you can't lose me, ask me to come back to you. All I need is a little bit of emotion, why is that so hard for you?
Just make this pain go away..
My emotions drive me crazy, they're all over. One minute I hate myself and I wish I wasn't here anymore. The next, I am so happy and in love with life.
The best pain..
Your kisses make me forgive you. Forgive your mistakes, forgive your lies, forgive the times you make me feel so down. I could kiss you for days and never grow tired. I wonder if you even feel the way my body tingles and quivers under your touch, I've never experienced anything like it. It is one of the greatest sensations. But please take away the stinging you cause my heart, for that is the most painful of sensations.
I fall asleep with your hoodie every night and wake up with my arms tightly wrapped around it every morning. It makes me feel close to you when you can't..
Decide what you want because I won't be patient forever. I gave you chances to back out with no hard feelings but YOU insisted that you wanted us to fix things because you can see something real happening between us. Now a week later you're just being petty. Decide what the fuck you want or I'll quickly change what I want.
I studied a lot today and actually enjoyed it. When you find something you love, hard work becomes a lot easier.
Hold on or let go..
Actions really do speak louder than words. You say you like me, a lot. You say you want to make up for being a jerk. You tell me you have only been with me since we've talked. You tell me you want things to work. But let's be honest... if I have to question every day as to whether you mean all of that or not, then you must not. If you cared as much as you say you did... you'd find a way to show it. I will not let myself get involved in something like this again, sorry.
I basically was very very upset when this website was down... finally found a place to post my feelings anonymously.
This was a bad idea. As much as I tell myself to stop letting people in, I definitely let way too many people in and way too easily. I have to start making sure people earn it. If not, I'll be the one attached and the one that is left alone. That's how it usually happens anyway..