Journal_pane_9423691490563037

When you need a bonfire and you can't have one

I'm realizing I'm doing a lot of stuff these days I don't like and I don't really wanna do. Tomorrow things will be different. I'll start changing those things.

26 March 2017, 10:17 PM
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Journal_pane_9423691489358678

The toll

I fell off the wagon these days. I met this awesome guy last November, but I didn't want to get my hopes up and then there were Christmas holidays coming, so... He basically waited for me for 10 days, then he had exams, so I waited for him for a month and now we are at the end of another month in which we barely saw each other, because he was doing an internship and... Basically this week-end he was supposed to finally come by and, instead, I couldn't reach him at all. And I probably know tha...

12 March 2017, 10:44 PM
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Journal_pane_9423691486250778

Obsessing and blabbering

It's been two days, there was this huge work related Facebook conversation and I was really interested, intervened, asked questions and then this troll came up saying I had no place following the group, that I'm a noob, no wonder I struggle with the money I make (which actually I don't, I don't even know why he thought that). And of course it's all a bunch of crap. I told him my experience. I had too. And I suddenly realized, after spilling it all out, that... I didn't want to. And yes, my st...

04 February 2017, 11:26 PM
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Journal_pane_9423691478291830

Thoses days...

...when you wanna kill someone because he ruined your whole day, no... your whole week. So, no biggy: an old contact offered me a job, I accepted, he promised a contract, half-way the deadline... the contract is still missing. I asked news about that, he says that oh, no, I misunderstood, it's HIM who will get the contract and will send me the money via PayPal after it's done... Yeaaah, as if I was born yesterday! I prepared a contract, send it to him to sign it and... this was 2 days ago, ...

04 November 2016, 08:37 PM
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Journal_pane_9423691435543274

Overstepping boundaries

Two posts in less than 24 hours... I'm really going overboard today! But it's like having been mothballed for more than 7 years. My brain is finally waking up, I guess. I have the energy and the ideas to write again for myself. I'm getting less focused on other people and more focused on me. It's so strange this feeling: I want to tell things again. I want to tell my story again. Unexpectedly, today was a surprisingly nice day. I had fun. Instead of judging, instead of pointing out how dysf...

29 June 2015, 03:01 AM
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Journal_pane_9423691435483122

So off balance!

I dunno if it's the fact that it's super-hot here, but I get angry, sad and cry in a glimpse of an eye. I'm trying to eat less carbs, supposedly it should help... lol I just read this article that said we can't be happy with someone which is too much different from us. That we should pursue someone with whom things go smoothly, natural. And that we must not compromise too much, because while compromising we lose ourselves. And then I had this beautiful dream in which I was going living with...

28 June 2015, 10:18 AM
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Journal_pane_9423691423859522

I don't wanna get swallowed!

Today I re-read myself. I never do that. But it helped. He made me see how happy I was, how sad I had become and how getting out of it was the only way. However, my new reality seems so different. I'm still not happy. I don't know what I'm missing. Or, maybe I know. I'm missing love. I'm receiving a lot of love, lately. Like I've never had it before and still... it's so overwhelming, sometimes even suffocating, but I'm not feeling it yet. It's like I'm empty. It's like I wanted something with...

13 February 2015, 08:32 PM
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1 comment: anon-abyss
Journal_pane_9423691416177662

Today's positive thing

Today's positive thing: I rested and I still have a fridge filled with stuff for the whole week, so... tomorrow should go smoothly. Negative thing: I still feel depressed. A lot. I cry for every small thing. Yea, definitely too much folic acid in my vegan supplements. And I'm craving sweets! But, yea, not like before, I must admit it. I miss a lot Antoine. And the more I miss him, the more I get angry at myself and it's no good for me. I thought quitting him was the right thing to do. He has...

16 November 2014, 10:41 PM
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Journal_pane_9423691414286464

Inspiration

I dunno where to start. I think I finally find the motivation to start writing again. It's healthy, I should have been convinced sooner. 30 minutes a day. Just for me. Just to recollect what happened of my day. Just to make sure I'm really living and making the most out of it. And... well, after several months I found myself alone again, with no friend who understands me, no boyfriend willing to listen. It's not depressing, I don't feel I'm at the same point I was 2 years ago. I dunno what ch...

26 October 2014, 01:21 AM
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Journal_pane_9423691396219541

Do you know who you really are?

I've watched episode S10xE17 of Grey's Anatomy tonight and... It really stroke me for the resemblance with my actual life. I really have the feeling that... Whatever road I'll take... It will lead me to unhappiness and I'd really want to talk about it with Antoine, maybe make the choice with him, but... I always have the feeling that we will never really 'decide' something about us. It will always be me, accepting his lifestyle. And I know that, when I'm thinking it, I'm really selfish, becau...

30 March 2014, 11:45 PM
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Work

Well, I wasn't expecting myself to say that, but... even if my 3-months contrat is ending on the 6th I got 2,500 words to translate and a second interview for another freelance job the 8th! I also decided to decorate the walls of my apartment. Since I can't hang heavy paintings without crushing my walls... I still can make light-weighted drawings, I guess. I'd really like something like that: <img src="http://www.mechantvinyl.com/151-2076-thickbox/stickers-muraux-play-arrow-my-house.jpg"> wi...

01 January 2014, 12:46 AM
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Journal_pane_9423691377810084

The Complete Artist's Way by Julia Cameron

I've started reading it. I've discovered this pearl almost by chance and... it's really changing my life. She says creativity is an act of faith and that we are guided by God (Good Orderly Direction or «flow» ) which is a spiritual electricity. For me God is like the wind. The breeze you feel coming from the sea on a sunset. It's not always the same, it changes. And me I want exactly THAT breeze. 'cos when I was a child I promised that 'breeze' all sort of things in exchange to have my wishes...

29 August 2013, 10:01 PM
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Journal_pane_9423691377730706

Oppressed

These days I feel incredibly oppressed. I should be happy, I'm going out with a nice guy, finally and yet I keep waiting for one of my EXs to call. Yesterday I received a message from the guy I betrayed. He should be with another girl, or... so he said. I tried calling him and... he left on holidays without giving me the chance to talking to him. I don't think things would have changed. But, since he told me he moved on, I moved on too. And now I feel so guilty thinking about him, while I'm g...

28 August 2013, 11:58 PM
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Journal_pane_9423691377305963

Being a frisbee.

I still miss him. Tonight I had my back on him and his new 'sex friend'. She is definitely uglier than me, fatter then me, etc. I presented the new guy I'm going out with to my friends. They liked him. So much they want me to continue going out with him. That surprised me. He seems so cold to me. We never kissed yet, and yea, maybe, as my friends say, he will finally make a difference and don't trash me, but... I still can't avoid that feeling I have when you meet someone who makes your hear...

24 August 2013, 01:59 AM
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Journal_pane_9423691376827734

Visions and Karma

Three days ago I learned that one of the guys who was making my working days a living hell actually quit his job. It’s strange how this made me feel. He wanted so much to be better that me, better than anyone else that… I even quit ‘cos I couldn’t stand that rotting and poisoning environment! And now that his road was straight… he quit. I wish he never came there. I wish my life never changed so much ‘cos of him and plenty of other people. But somehow… at the same time, I feel bad for him. H...

18 August 2013, 01:09 PM
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Journal_pane_9423691376669289

About a boy

So my almost 1st post is about a boy (couldn't it be otherwise?) or I should say a "man", 'cos after 30 you are «old», right? Well, I never feel old enough, I'd say. And by the way we have the same problems as teenagers have, with the only difference that we have MORE! So, I've been around for a while now and… Have you seen that awful movie in which a girl makes a list of the guys she slept with? It's called <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/What%27s_Your_Number%3F">«Sex List»</a> Well, t...

16 August 2013, 05:08 PM
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Journal_pane_9423691376667202

Who am I?

That's an extremely complex question. I'm a girl in my thirties living abroad between several States and cities. I'm a world's citizen, you might say. But I'm not very proud of it, 'cos it has it's perks and it also makes you a «no land's man», if you forgive me the joke. In other words a «homeless girl» or someone who calls “home” what he makes “home”. I speak 3 languages fluently: Italian, English and French and I'm learning Dutch. So if time to time you'll see a post in another language I ...

16 August 2013, 04:33 PM
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Journal_pane_9423691376665676

Decaffeinated Life

This diary was born from a need. A need buried inside myself for 6 long years. The need of writing. Why that? Because writing became dangerous. I couldn't bear the weight of consequences. I couldn't write for myself anymore, because I was overwhelmed by fear. I lived in fear all the past 6 years and then my heart got lost one day in Paris and I made a promise: find true love. The one which respects you, which accepts you, which loves you back. It took me 9 months of desperate crying to unders...

16 August 2013, 04:08 PM
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