I was doing really good emotionally this week I kept my head up smiled at strangers, went to work with a positive attitude. And that's what I hate the most about depression you wake up one day and just feel like you want to die and nothing will ever be good again. And of course it's on my one day off work.
I remember being a kid and imagining how much better things would be when I was a grown up. I remember thinking that no one could hurt me and I'd go to some magical college out of state where I would be an adult and fall in love and start this happy life. And now I am the grown up, and I still look up at the starts and think the same things. Except I'm stuck trying to go to a community college with no friends and my verbally abusive father instead of my physically abusive mother and I was in ...
I think about slitting my wrists more than I think is normal for a 19 year old.
Everythings sore and Im so tired and I have to go to work until 6. Im tired of being sad all the time and feeling worthless I want to skip ahead 5 years when things are better
Well. After my brother broke my tv, my door, my mirror, my glasses and punched me repeatedly. My dad decides I'm a piece of shit and starts yelling at me. I think my time here is up, I really do.
I give up. Like I really really do. I don't understand the point of my life at all since I'm not doing anything. Yet again I have to miss another semester of college because of money, yet again I got into a fight with my dad, yet again I got into a fight with my brother and yet again No one fucking cares at all. All I ever asked for was a friend all I ever fucking wanted was someone in this god damn fucking world who gives a single shit about me. Do I get that? No. I have nothing and I have n...
I'm always so tired but I can never sleep. My brain never shuts up and I somehow wind up laying here feeling awful about everything
I think I've reached my limit for how much I can take in one lifetime. Is it odd I hope it ends soon?
I am so lost and so empty it physically aches. All I can do is numb myself until it passes.
Odd. I didn't even realize I had gone so long without making a post. Considering a lot has happened, I suppose I just got too busy. I've been taking a lot of extra shifts at work, and pulled a nice 11 and a half hours yesterday, and today was my first day off in 8 days. I go back tonight though, bummer, however I'm out of that hell hole before midnight for once which is something to look forward too. A night not spent at work, oh the possibilities. Which really means Im going to get high eno...
getting into a car accident really wasnt how I planned things going. At least it still kinda runs enough for me to get to work. Which speaking of their thinking of firing me. But I'm going to prove myself again by working harder then I already do. I'm covering two peoples overnight shifts this week so I dont have a day offagain until next sunday. At least I wont have to worry about bills with this check. I swear to god the only thing I have left anymore is drugs. Thats it. Drugs dont hurt me...
My managers are a bunch of fucking assholes and I am finding a new job because this place is going to make me fucking lose it.
It's snowing a lot today, we're supposed to be getting a blizzard tonight into tomorrow which is always fun because it gives me an excuse not to interact with anyone. I kinda like writing things down now, about my day. It's almost theraputic to get out words I can't say to other people. My dad's been cooped up inside because of the weather, and he gets so mad when he has to stay home and cant go over his stupid girlfriends house. I mean honestly he's there so much and he like is really nice ...
I just wanna know whats so wrong with me that no one ever stays around too long.
I actually saw some friends today. My friend Riley is home from college we used to be really close in high school but its been almost a year since I saw him and I was so happy, but everythings different. I'm not the same, hes really not the same and we met up with our old friend Alex who..really isnt the same and its not that changing is not good or that its bad its just...weird. It's weird how we were all so close two years ago and now no one is the same person and I realized I no longer kno...
My goal this year is simply to be happy. No matter what that implies I only want to be happy. I want to stop being so anxious I want to make more friends I want to just live and enjoy my life and stop being so god damn lonely and depressed all the time.
Waking up made me realize why I don't like drinking. My head hurts so bad jesus christ
I drank too much and I feel like shit. My head hurts my stomach hurts and this was all a bad idea
I don't get drunk a lot but I did tonight. My head's a little more quiet and my tongue is fuzzy but I'm still not happhy. isnt it weird? no mater what i do or whatr i take or what i drink it doesnt make pain go away im just gonna get drunker and maybe smoke more and sleep. i wish i could sleep until its over, and wake uo when im happoier. im too fcuked up to be typing this right now but i needed to get words out of my hea and onto paper
I'm too drunk and too high to care anymore