THAT VIVIDLY SCARY DREAM...

I haven’t told Ma about this. I don’t think I have the heart. Last holiday, I was having my (unintentional) afternoon nap when I dreamed about her. I saw Ma sitting on the bed in her room with Dad, her back on the wall and her legs straight on the bed. I was standing by the bed, facing her. We were talking about Dad. I’d noticed some strange things in the dream: 1.The bed was facing the door, not the French windows. (The bed is positioned that way – facing the windows – so it’ll be easier ...

14 January 2014, 04:42 PM
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"WHERE WILL HE GO FROM HERE?"

What do you see? Can you show me? I’m not sure I’m ready to prepare for whatever is meant to be. So what’s the verdict? This waiting is making me sick. Where will he go from here? How do we accept that without any fear? Is that what limbo feels like? The uncertain, in-between? I’m trying to look alright, as I silently suppress this urge to scream. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I don’t even want this to be real. Still, they keep saying that patience is a virtue, even when I’ve got...

14 January 2014, 04:14 PM
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FACING REALITY...AS IT IS

I’m glad I got to hang out with Gigi and Nezzie again last Sunday. (Gigi’s gone back from her trip to Semarang with her boyfriend Froggy.) We tried a new karaoke place in Jalan Veteran, South Jakarta. It was nice and we had fun. YAY! I’d sung a lot of wedding songs there. Why? Long ago, he’d half-serious asked me to sing at his wedding. One night at work last year, he’d been singing All For One’s “I Swear” joyfully when I walked into the staff room. I stopped and grinned at him. “So, is tha...

11 January 2014, 02:24 PM
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"LIFE...AS IT IS"

Ideas clash. Can you survive after the crash? Will you end in pieces, be alive but forever scarred, or remain solidly unscathed? You decide. You’re the only one who should fight even to just make yourself feel alright. R. (Jakarta, 10/1/2014 – 00:51 am)

11 January 2014, 01:54 PM
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"LET IT RAIN (UNINSPIRED)"

This is rare silence inside a usually chaotic mind. It's raining outside my window; a morning of cool calmness. Let these crazy thoughts stop for a while. I need to take things slow. Let the rain cleanse even when it has to masquerade the tears in these eyes. For now, I just want to enjoy nature's show. Perhaps I won't feel so listless. Perhaps I'll recapture my lost smile. Perhaps, from here I'll know where to go. Let it rain... Let this downpour wash away the pain... R. (Jakarta, 8/1/2...

08 January 2014, 01:54 PM
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TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT!

I don't understand why some people still think I'm too picky and unrealistic. Especially guys, which still piss me off at times. It's like, it's always okay for them to choose any girl they like to be with - based on (just) looks, that is. ("She's hot, she's not" kind of remark and all that jazz. Ugh!) Okay, I understand that guys are mostly visual creatures and we have to accept that (un/fortunate?) fact. (Honestly, there are a lot of other things in the world that we have to put up living w...

08 January 2014, 01:10 PM
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"TO THE PROUD, VISUAL CREATURE"

I'm tired of arguing with you. You always do whatever you want to do. You think it's alright, especially since this society is mostly on your side. I've heard more than enough of you, so why do I even still need to argue? You always have to be right. You just need to have all the spotlight. I'm tired. Really, trying to please you has gotten me stranded. It's not even a well-paid job. I think it's time for me to stop. "Oh, but you still need me," you remark with sick, twisted glee. "Without...

06 January 2014, 08:47 AM
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BETWEEN WORLDS...

Sometimes FB feels like a time machine for one's mind eye. We look at our old posts and simply go back in time. Some of us would probably think: "Whoa, that was a real blast!" or "What was I thinking when I wrote/posted that?" I guess it's the same with blog entries, Twitter timelines, and even your old-fashioned diaries and photo albums. I don't know why I suddenly thought of that. Probably I've just been snapped by reality that, once again, time flies. It does, in the blink of an eye. I...

06 January 2014, 08:00 AM
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"BROWN EYES"

There are questions right there in your deep, dark brown eyes. They're wondering about my silence: "Why?" Every day we meet, exchanging smiles. You kindly greet me and we talk for a while. Still, those questions linger probably like the cold winter back in your hometown as you try to conceal your frown. How do I tell you what's been troubling me? I hate to share you these blues, when I only want to make you happy. Please, don't get me wrong; this isn't a romantic love, just a sisterly aff...

03 January 2014, 07:15 AM
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CATCHING A(NOTHER) BREAK...

Strange schedule. That's how all of us feel this week. I mean, what was the management thinking? Many people are still either on a holiday or on the 'holiday mode'. Seriously, who'd turn up for classes? Only a very small few. That would be the reluctant ones - or those who don't seem to have lives that much. Okay, I know I sound mean. Then again, a job is still a job. One has to be professional. Of course, as predicted, we didn't do much. Only a very small few students turned up. Some o...

03 January 2014, 06:39 AM
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"FROM THE GIRL IN BLACK"

Watch me sitting still in the corner, all dressed in black, lost in ponder. Am I spying on you? Ha, how untrue! Don't be paranoid! I'm not a stalking freak. Relax, I'm also not a ghost. Just don't stare at me too close. I can read curiosity. I'm not insane, so take it easy. Unfortunately, I can't give you any answers. I just need to be here to feel better. It won't be long before I'm gone back to where I belong. Home? For now, that has to wait. Don't worry, I won't be too late. So, it has ...

02 January 2014, 08:32 AM
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JANUARY, BE GOOD TO ME!

So, after my rather unorthodox way of celebrating New Year's Eve, here I am again. Now what? Not much I can do for now but keep on moving forward. After all, that's the whole idea: moving on. I've started reading Arundhati Roy's "The God of Small Things" I borrow from Tony B. Other than that, I'm still writing. I write whatever I feel like writing. That's all. I guess this is how growing up can get to you. You fear expecting too much of anything and then get yourself disappointed in the e...

02 January 2014, 07:50 AM
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MORE THOUGHTS OF A CHAOTIC MIND...

First of all, this is rather unusual. I don't normally do this. I'm sort of celebrating New Year's Eve...alone. My parents are home with my sister and her family. My brother's with his girlfriend and her family in Rawamangun. My friends? They're all away, doing their own stuff. And I've just finished another writing challenge online. Hope they'll like it and I get to win the prize. Happy New Year 2014, everybody! R.

31 December 2013, 07:04 PM
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...AND THE WORLD KEEPS SPINNING 'ROUND...

So, apparently...Mr.Quiet Lad (T’s more recent ex) has returned. He’s back in this country after having been in Dublin for quite a while. He’s probably still dealing with his jet-lag in BSD (where he lives when he’s here.) T’s left some stuff with me for him. T’s also given him my number. Just a text or a call and a meeting can be arranged. That’s easy. Still, this is also going to be awkward. I mean, honestly – I don’t know how I’m going to answer if Mr.QL starts asking about how T’s been ...

30 December 2013, 12:37 PM
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THE GREAT KING, THE GUARDIAN OF THE ISOLATED CASTLE, AND THE CAT

When you read the title of this entry, I’m sure you’re thinking: “She must be writing a fantasy now!” Sadly, no. It sounds like a cool fantasy title, I know, but I’m talking about my own recent situation this long holiday. In details, they are actually: 1.The Great King  Dad. 2.The Guardian  Me, when no one else is around and I happen to be the one who doesn’t ‘look busy’. (Alias, no social life, away from work at the moment, and...single. Ha, that’s how they normally define me!) 3.The...

26 December 2013, 05:22 AM
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"THE FALLEN MORTAL"

The feeling’s too familiar. She’s been through this before. It doesn’t get any better, even when they say she’s supposed to be stronger. Where is her heart now? Does it still properly beat somehow? Why does she still feel so low? When will these haunting ghosts just go? Can she take another fall? Is she on her way to a bottomless black hole? Why does she have to keep playing the same role? Will love ever send her to a more purposeful goal? Once again, she is the fallen; not a star, nor ev...

26 December 2013, 04:47 AM
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"TODAY"

I don’t need today to celebrate you. They can do whatever they want to do. I believe in what’s really true. No symbols can ever represent this love for you. I don’t need today to celebrate you. Why now? Every woman deserves this too somehow. Only to you, I bow. I don’t need today to celebrate you. Why can’t we do that every day? Why won’t they? What if I don’t have good enough words to say? I don’t need any other day to celebrate you. Why? I’ve already got the rest of my life. I’m afraid t...

22 December 2013, 03:15 PM
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A DECENT SPACE TO WRITE...

A local website for aspiring bloggers like me loved my article. They’ve approved my free membership and published that entry on their site. (For free, I know, but it’s good for starters.) That means my Indonesian blog will get promoted more in the future. One thing at a time. First things first. All in good time... And I’m thankful for this long holiday. A week of relief from work... So he’s back home now. I bet he’s celebrating Christmas with his family now. Good for him. He once asked me...

22 December 2013, 02:44 PM
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BEHIND THESE (IMAGINARY?) WALLS...

How do you know that a person means so much to you? After they have left, you find yourself saying this with a sigh: "Oh, well. Time to go back to the real world." That's just exactly how I feel right now. It's kind of weird. I mean, I'm aware that I work in a place with quite a turnover - one way or another. People come and go, just like that. So far, I've been doing a pretty good job not to get myself too emotionally-attached to any of them. I guess he's just...different. He's one of the...

19 December 2013, 12:48 PM
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"SHE IS?"

Who is she? Are you silently wondering, as you turn and walk away? Life is short, and time loves to flee. It's your last day, yet she remains a mystery. You've seen her smile. You've watched her cry. You've had good times for a while. Do you still find yourself wondering why she happens to be more than meets-the-eye? From the open gates to her isolated castle, she'll silently whisper her goodbye. No, never again will you see her cry. She's much too proud for that; she'd rather hold her head...

18 December 2013, 01:47 PM
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