BROKEN...

Sorry I start this entry with such a sappy title. I'll try to sound a bit more cheerful next time, but...let's just face reality, shall we? The world is full of lies - and they're just growing more and more unbearable by the day. People say one thing and do another. That's how we are at times, isn't that? I'm not going to be holier-than-thou here; I sometimes lie too. Well, what can I say? I'm only human. I'm not perfect, although - unfortunately - there are always people out there demanding...

28 November 2013, 08:59 AM
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"HER SILENT THOUGHTS"

It was the highlight. You were smiling at the love of your life that night, while she was trying to look alright. For your sake, she's willing to pretend as if her heart will never break. She no longer cares if anyone thinks she's a fake. Will this always be this way? Will there ever be better days? No wonder she's gone skeptical, romantically-challenged and dull. If love is (always?) that beautiful, then how come this doesn't feel cool? Fate, this is beyond cruel. R. (Jakarta, 20/11/2013 ...

27 November 2013, 09:36 AM
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REALISTICALLY-SPEAKING: I AM ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED

"REALISTICALLY-SPEAKING: I AM ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED" I am romantically-challenged. That's nothing new and also for sure. I've been that way for too damn long, since I can't even remember when. One of my old college friends came up with another more sophisticated term about people with my (mental? psychological?) condition - and posted it on her Facebook wall. It's called 'philophobe' - someone with the phobia for romance - or the fear of falling in love. She told me that she and I were on...

27 November 2013, 06:52 AM
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"STANDING STILL..."

I stand still. I keep quiet, letting the silence fill. Perhaps it can calm this riot, before insanity might kill. I remain very still. You know where I am. You can’t make me go against my will, or there’ll be a mental jam - and I’ll be way too tired to even give a damn. Yes, I’m still the same. Your efforts have been kind of lame. ‘Ignorance’ may be my new middle name. Don’t you think we’re already too old for this game? I’m not just tired. I’m even more than exhausted. Well, I’m fed up. W...

26 November 2013, 08:26 AM
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"SLEEP TONIGHT"

Sleep tonight oh, restless mind. Rest awhile, dear anxious heart. May you wake up feeling fine and nothing will be much too hard. Let darkness swallow your conscience. Give your wretched body a chance to restore its lost energy. Soon you’ll be feeling better again, you see? Worry not about their constant, endless demands. Remember, you’re only human. Do the best you can, even when they think you won’t have the last stand... R. (Jakarta, 15/11/2013 – 00:00 am)

23 November 2013, 05:08 AM
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EVERYTHING CHANGES...

I hate having to do this to you. You know I really, really do. I have no choice, though. Everything changes. Not all stays the same. I wish it could, but we all know the truth. It’s been over a year. I remember those good old days, when I started to get to know him – and later had grown closer with him. I was aware that I’d been a new kid in your circle of friends back then. He was the one who had invited me in. It’s hard to explain. A lot had happened last year, and along the way after th...

23 November 2013, 04:39 AM
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"WE ARE NOT A TEAM"

We are not a team. Who are we kidding? It’s always been like that, it seems. Why are we still pretending? We are not a team. Mr.Reliable is often out of steam. The broken artist is reviving her dying dreams. Their suffocating demands make her want to scream! We are not a team. Who are we kidding? Some people are just playing, caring about nothing. We are not a team. It’s always been like that, it seems. The light in some spirits are growing dim, while a chance to escape feels remarkably sl...

18 November 2013, 06:05 AM
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WHAT'S NEXT?

Sometimes I hate that question. Sometimes I even hate asking myself that: What’s next? It’s like I’m dreading the future or something. But still, sometimes I just can’t help it. It goes as naturally as the air that I breathe. So, what’s next?? After T left, things have gone back to...normal. Rather flat and dull, but still tolerable. It’s okay, I guess. How are things at home lately? It’s still the same, I’m afraid. The Great King is still somewhere in ‘the realm of the unknown’. The Mi...

18 November 2013, 02:24 AM
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"SOMEDAY SOON"

Someday soon, she'll feel free. She'll be whatever she wants to be. This is just the world where she doesn't fit in. Pretending is a pain. What can she possibly gain? Try, they constantly urge. Try to like where you are. Some believe you'll never get that far. This world likes you better, when you're one of them. But they don't know her. She's not always their version of a 'sweet, precious gem'. Perhaps she's never really been. She's been hiding her true sparks within, until she gets all ...

13 November 2013, 11:17 AM
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WHAT'S LEFT BEHIND, WHAT LIES AHEAD...

First of all, this is going to be a very long entry. I can't say I haven't warned you already. As usual, Big Brother T has always made my life more interesting and busier. Basically, my life has felt more like another soap opera or a movie lately. Am I the leading character? Hmm, sometimes I am I guess, as usual. After Thursday (October 17), T and I had agreed to meet the girls on Sunday (October 20). However, something came up. T's recent partner Mr.Quiet Lad (QL) wasn't feeling well. He w...

13 November 2013, 09:12 AM
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"THE GETAWAY"

Come with me. Take my hand. We need to feel free. I also need a friend. We know where we're going. We need to feel more laid-back. For now, worry not about a thing. They need to cut us some slack. Rise and shine. It's a beautiful morning. Everything's fine, as long as there's joy to bring. We need the escape. We deserve the break. Just a few days; that's all it takes. Go to sleep now. Don't be scared. I'll wake you up once we get there. Where? Far away from our harsh reality, since we bo...

11 November 2013, 02:20 PM
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CAN'T SAY MUCH FOR NOW...

I can't say much now, because I'm still in the middle of the break. My Saturday shift finishes at 5:15. Big Brother T is leaving tonight. His flight back to Sydney is at 10:45. Before that, he still needs my help to do some stuff. How am I feeling about this? Sad, of course. Although he says he's working his way back here sometime next year (well, hopefully), it's still sad to see him leave tonight. And I'm trying hard not to cry now... R.

09 November 2013, 06:43 AM
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"NOVEMBER FIRST"

Will this be the last moment our eyes lock in torment, knowing we might never see each other again? Will this be the last time I get to hear your voice, knowing I have no other choice as the distance begins drawing the line? Will I still be thinking about you, the way you’re missing me too as the cold reality has turned us blue? Will I? Will you? Will we? Will we ever be? Say no more, love. Your face has shown me enough. What can we do when life is tough? “Don’t go. I love you so.” Wher...

06 November 2013, 12:13 PM
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ANYTHING FOR LOVE

First of all, I’d like to thank God for letting me live for another year. I don’t know if I still deserve this, but hopefully I do. That’s right, folks. I’ve turned 32 on November 4. Happy birthday to me! How do I feel now? Surprisingly, like 22. I guess it’s a good thing, because it’s exactly like what my brotherly, hazel-eyed best friend T has told me: “It’s not about how old you are; it’s about how you feel.” Indeed. I guess I’ve reached the point where I begin to loosen up a bit more...

06 November 2013, 11:40 AM
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"I NEED A BREAK"

I need a break from your sweet smile. That's why I have to be away for a while. There's always that look in your eyes which destroys my ability to lie. I need a break from your soft-spoken voice. That's why I've made this choice. We can still talk like decent human beings, although I often get tongue-tied and out-of-sync. I need a break from your absolute sweetness. I hate this feeling of utter hopelessness. That's why I shy away, not wanting to see you for a few days. I need to get over y...

30 October 2013, 07:44 AM
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"MY POETRY"

What can one read in poetry? It’s one of the ways to tell a story. One has to guess, for it isn’t told bluntly. We all have different interpretations, you see? What’s in my poetry? Do you think it’s always all about me, or can it be everyone I see? I just let my feelings run freely. Sometimes it’s the only way to be. Read every line. Hope you will find all that I’ve been trying to say. If my thoughts are too scary, then you’re more than welcome to run away. Run far away from me! R. (Jak...

22 October 2013, 03:20 AM
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HAZEL EYES' RETURN

At last, it’s the return of my brotherly, hazel-eyed best friend T. Since I’ve also considered him like a big brother to me, I sometimes call him ‘Abang’. Only this time, things are a bit more complex. It’s been a year as well since he last turned up in this country, so I’ve sort of expected some changes. First of all, T’s got a new boyfriend. However, I’m afraid I have to kind of ‘depersonalize’ him here – by their request – to protect his real identity. My country’s still very, very preju...

21 October 2013, 01:19 PM
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"FOR THE LIGHT OF LOVE IN YOUR EYES"

Are you the living example of what I've thought as 'too-good-to-be-true'? For too long I've fought this constant, personal battle against the self-creation of these poisonous blues. I don't know her, but she sounds like your beloved princess. The thought of her seems to make you happier that there's no more space for loneliness. Bless you, sweet-hearted prince. You deserve all the joy she brings. Let this old, lonely ghost pray for your love to remain strong that nothing can e...

18 October 2013, 01:47 PM
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BETWEEN SCHEDULES...

I'm back to being very busy again. Some teachers are on-leave for quite a long time. The last movie I watched was "Gravity". Two Tuesdays ago I went to Setiabudi One with some of the work crew: Okeu, Gita, Patrick S., Vincent, and Mark. Vincent's two friends - a nice, Swedish backpacking couple named Patrick and Anna - were also with us that night. How was the movie? It was good. The idea of the pure, intense terror in the outer space was fantastic. (I'd probably die of a cardiac arrest alr...

18 October 2013, 10:53 AM
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"MS.ALWAYS RIGHT"

You know he’ll do anything for you. To hell and back he’ll go through. But time and time again, you keep on being such a pain. Why...oh, why? Why do you have to make him want to cry? You think that you’ve already owned him. All I see is reality-turning-grim. You know he still wants you as his wife, because you’re the love of his life. Stop hurting him so much, or soon he’ll be out of your touch. He loves you, but I can tell that his patience is wearing thin. He’s not some kind of a puppet ...

07 October 2013, 01:48 PM
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