MY WALL-BREAKER

I know I’ve spoken of solitude and wall-building a lot. Some old habits just die hard, even when they actually should perish. I know this one has stemmed from how reality’s been treating me. And I know that I shouldn’t keep holding on to that excuse too, but I really can’t stop that. It’s been my armour in the world. I guess only through my writings, some people can really ‘see’ me. Like what I often tell them, I write better than I talk. I sound more coherent this way. On the first day th...

07 October 2013, 01:04 PM
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"SOLITUDE..."

It's not solitude that you fear. You know that as well as being here. It's what it can do to you. It's what it can turn you into; forming that thick, invisible wall around all until the real you can no longer be found. Quite an exterior, eh? Too bad, there's always a (bitter?) price to pay. It's hard for you to reach out. The world outside yourself is often full of doubts. Sometimes you'd like to stay where you are just to avoid another crack in your heart... R. (Jakarta, 29/9/2013 - 12:17...

01 October 2013, 10:11 AM
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ALL I WANT AND REALITY...

At first, I'd like to give this entry a title that says: "All I Want Versus Reality Around Me." However, I don't want to sound too negative toward the issue. (As usual, I'm trying to be more positive these days, but also realistic at the same time.) So, what do I really want these days? And how does reality work? I'm 31. I'll be 32 in November this year - and I'm still single. (Oh, is that so bloody surprising?) Honestly, I don't know what I'm feeling about this - or supposed to, rea...

30 September 2013, 07:56 AM
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"MY OWN WORST ENEMY"

I'd rather not talk about you, no matter how wonderful you are. I'm dying to escape these blues and pick up the pieces of my heart. Then why the hell am I still here? I thought I'd completely moved on. I've made myself clear: this pathetic obsession should be long gone. But that face in the mirror is laughing at me; her evil eyes glowering with twisted glee as she says: "My dear, quit pretending. You know you can't win. You're already too much in love with him!" R. (Jakarta, 15/9/2013 - ...

30 September 2013, 04:42 AM
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"YOUR SMILE"

There's that smile on your face that lifts her spirit up, somewhere high in the sky above. Don't you know? She can't resist your glow. There's a smile on your face every time she sees you. It's hard to believe but true. If you knew, would you run off and leave her feeling blue? There's a fading smile on her face, as her heart slowly breaks from your warm gaze. Oh, what a disgrace! She should stop looking at you too long. This is just so wrong! She knows the meaning of that smile on your fa...

28 September 2013, 05:53 AM
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"K."

Baby girl, are you looking forward to this weekend? I hope you are, because so is my new good friend. He's feeling overjoyed, even at the sound of your name. Little girl, he can't wait to see you. There are days he still needs to get through. He's bringing your birthday presents, but more than anything; he wishes he could always be around. Beautiful girl, you're the apple of his eye. You may not know me, but I'm not going to lie. He'd like to be with you soon, if only he could fly. Even thi...

23 September 2013, 01:00 PM
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1 love: itstaylorbro
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THROUGH THEIR EYES, I (CAN SOMETIMES) SEE THEIR MENTAL SCARS...

Sometimes I wonder why I just care so much, even about strangers or people I barely know. It's their stories they tell. If I pay close enough attention, I can sense their honesty. Some people say it's my strength; others say it's my weakness. Why do I have to care so much? Why bother? So what? Some people - especially experts on 'supernatural abilities' - tell me I'm pretty 'special' too. They call me an 'empath'. It's something that I just can't help. I see through their eyes and (can ...

23 September 2013, 08:40 AM
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"AN URBAN WANNABE"

Just another urban dream; no matter how insignificant it seems; a girl-next-door in the search for more while silently wondering what she's in for. Just another urban fantasy that one day she'll have enough money to set herself free. Maybe, just maybe, sooner or later she'll get lucky. Just another urban story about another wannabe. In the meantime, dreaming is still free. She'll keep that image in her head just to make herself happy... R. (Jakarta, 8/9/2013 - 10:15 p...

20 September 2013, 11:38 AM
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CREATIVITY, GIGGLES, AND ABSOLUTE CRAZINESS

There are times when I just want to forget all problems in the world and just...be happy. Let my creativity run free. Just giggle and enjoy the absolute craziness around me. Like last Monday. Newbies are always interesting, but these dudes are surely fun. I've never heard any foreigner speaking Indonesian with Sundanese accent until I met Josh. He's funny too. He sits close to me, where Stu used to sit. (I miss him, by the way. He's already resigned and left.) Wendy is nice too, but ...

20 September 2013, 11:08 AM
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"THE RISE OF THE APATHY"

She wakes up with her sense of apathy; that dark, little room so empty. She watches her once peaceful, earthly heaven slowly crumbling and broken. “Who started this?” she wonders aloud. Was there a lot that she’d missed? Now all she often sees is hate; brazen rage like the opening of the hell’s gate. She sees them pointing at each other, acting like they’re always better. Are those forsaken rumours true? What can she ever really do? “I ...

14 September 2013, 03:24 PM
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THE WORLD AROUND YOU THESE DAYS...

How do you see the world around you these days? Do you still perceive it as something simple and beautiful, whichever part you’re in at the moment? Imagine waking up to the same, old reality for the past 4.5 years. You’re silently wondering whether your ailing father will ever be alright again. You’ve decided to push aside your own feelings for too long, only so you can function properly – although maybe not emotionally. Underneath your numbness and indifference, there are feelings you’d rat...

13 September 2013, 03:17 PM
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"THE SHAMELESS LAD"

You’re so typical, Unbelievable. You’re the handsome devil who think I’m gullible. I’m glad we’re distant. I’ve learned my lesson. After all that’s happened, I don’t need to get even. Have you no shame? Lies and deceit are parts of your game. In the end, it’s all the same; you’re the only left to blame. Your sad, unlucky tales are absurd; how you’ve been a good boy and still getting hurt. You think I’m just one of those girls easily swayed into your tricky little world. I know what yo...

10 September 2013, 08:53 AM
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SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE...

Believe it or not, I often find myself in the middle. That doesn’t mean I’m indecisive or unable to make up my own mind. Some people even say that I seem to have my own ‘orbit’ – whatever that means. This also has nothing to do with the fact that I’m the middle child in the family. I don’t even know if I (still?) suffer the middle-child syndrome or not. Maybe I do, maybe not. I get to see more of me that way these days. If we want to start simple, take a look at me: I’m not always a hottie,...

10 September 2013, 12:42 AM
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"YOU'RE THAT KIND"

You're the kind of boy that amuse me, thinking you're all the man can be; a distinguished scholar with amazing intelligence, eyeing people with such a condescending glance. You're the kind of boy that irritate me, 'though I can appear as indifferent as you see. You think my kind is an entertainment; mere creatures with only feelings and head space so vacant. You're the kind of boy that has to exist as a test for my patience. Once you're completely gone, you won't be missed. Be...

04 September 2013, 04:50 PM
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BEING ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED ISN'T ALL ABOUT APATHY...

"You work there? Wow, maybe you can fetch yourself a bule* boyfriend." (*Bule: foreigner; in this case Caucasian - particularly Anglo-Saxon.) I still get that a lot from some people. Honestly, that's annoying. Why? First of all, it sounds more disturbing than: "You work there? I bet you make a lot of money." Secondly, who the hell do they think I am? Ayam bule*? (*Ayam bule: 'ayam' means chicken, but this term is for local women who are intentionally and more than willingly after Cau...

04 September 2013, 04:11 PM
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"THE GOLD-DIGGER"

What do you want from me? You come and go as you please. I don't come from money. My life isn't always an easy breeze. Don't nag like an overgrown baby. Don't you even lie to me. You have no idea how much I despise dishonesty. Enough with your self-pity. I'm not some freaking fairy. I know I sound mean, but is it so hard for you to just come clean? If you're such a fair-weather friend, perhaps it's time that we put this to an end. Why won't you stop being such a pain? Thi...

03 September 2013, 04:42 PM
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SOME PEOPLE AND THEIR OPINIONS...

People often act like they know everything, including what they think is best for you. If they're strangers, you usually can handle them much better. Just dismiss them, since they're not important in your life. Nothing personal. If they're your friends and/or other family members, that's another story. First of all, don't picture me as the typical heroine you might read in famous chick-lits or see in Hollywood chick-flicks. I'm not the type of girls guys look at from across the bar and ...

03 September 2013, 04:16 PM
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"THE BORDERLINE"

I feel my sanity hanging by a thread, as his soul awaits between life and dead. My thoughts are in painful fragments, each running wildly in different directions. I don’t dare picture the actual shape of my heart. Sorry, I’m too busy keeping myself intact. I can’t afford to start falling apart. They say crying is not always wrong, especially when you’ve been trying to stay strong. I sometimes feel like punching the wall, until my knuckles bleed and I start losing it all. So, who knows? Pe...

02 September 2013, 05:41 PM
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1 love: paigepalomo
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THE REALITY SOAP:CONFESSIONS OF A ROMANTICALLY-CHALLENGED AUTHOR

For some people in the world, life is a series of expected, sequential orders. They’re born, they grow up, and live. They go to school, college, university, and then graduate at the expected age. They get the jobs of their dreams right away. They meet the love of their life and get married. They have kids, become parents, and eventually grow old together. In the end, they all die. Like I’ve said: expected sequential orders of life. I don’t mean to be a cynic here, but – let’s just face it –...

02 September 2013, 05:08 PM
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ALL AT ONCE...

I can’t believe that August is finally over. Time flies. Where do I begin? It’s hard to tell. I’ve written some past entries before, but none of them got to be posted. Too long? Too old, too late? Maybe I’ve just lost my interest in doing so. All I know is that I haven’t been able to really focus on anything lately. There are lots to tell. Githa’s dad passed away on August 17, the same day my brother turned 30 and our country celebrated Independence Day. It was really sad. Of course, I’d ...

01 September 2013, 09:36 PM
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