sigh When i think i'm moving on and how i'm feeling better but then out of nowhere you pop in my head and it just hurts. I shouldn't care this much right? it's not normal is it? I don't know. I'm pretty sure its really not. god why am i like this
How is it that i miss you more than her. I had such strong feelings for her... Maybe i didn't? i thought i did but maybe i loved the idea of her more than her. That sounds so insensitive, like i cared about her, please i still care about her but it's not what i thought. But with you it aches more. I put so much of myself into that friendship like i rarely open up like that too people. I pretty much showed you every side of myself. I knew i was being too dark but i couldn't stop myself i ...
i'm crying again and listening to all you wanted and i don't wanna feel this way i feel so sad. and i have no one to talk too
i'm moving on but i still miss you and you most likely already forgotten me. oh well it's about me this year. I'm done with kissing people asses and watering myself down so people don't leave me/hate me. I'm done fucking apologizing i'm done trying to live up to certain people expectations and i'm done apologizing over my mental illness.
why can't i be happy and bright and just the light in everyones life. instead i'm this sad toxic waste. I don't want to hurt anyone i don't want be the negative part of their life. I know i'm supposed to get better for myself but i can't help it i just want everyone i care about to be happy and i'm just so toxic and gross and everyone would be better off i were dead.
why am i crying now ugh WHY CAN'T I FEEL BETTER
i'm sad and scared and so lonely and i miss you guys so much. i'm so pathetic
I feel so lonely and i'm afraid that no one is going to love me and i mean in a romantic way. I feel broken. Most of the time i don't care about being in a relationship but i do want someone to love me, to put up with all my crap. That someone will see me and not run in the other direction or try to "fix" me. Someone who just wants listen to me instead of telling me what i should do. Someone who's there for me but lets me figure things out for myself.
I always take little things people do/say and i over think and it's not a healthy. I'm working on it though i stop myself because yeah maybe some people don't like me as much as i assume they do or maybe i do annoy them but i can't constantly obsess about things like that. I can't worry about others liking me when i need to focus on loving myself.
i don't connect with most people on a personal/emotional level, i always have this barrier up. i thought it was trust issues but i think it's more than that i don't know. so maybe that's why its so hard for me to let you go because i really connected with you, not in any romantic way at all just as someone who i felt the most comfortable with, who made me comfortable to just be myself. You've helped me as long as you could and i'll never forget you because you impacted my life, and you ...
That was really self loathing and that's just what my mind screams at me anytime i'm alone but i'm not gonna give up i'm trying the best i can.
I hate that i can't forgive myself that i still haven't moved on. all i ever do is think about how i've ruined amazing friendships and how sometimes well more then sometimes i think about just ending it all because i don't deserve anyone. That all i am is toxic and needy and a huge pile of trash.
I'm not okay, period. The truth is i wanted to be better for everyone else but i need to be better for myself. Ive lost myself, or maybe i've never found myself because i just want people to love me, i don't want to be alone, i don't want anyone to hate me. I don't think I'm fake just really passive and scared and weak.