if you feel the same way, why is it so damn hard for you to keep me closer to you? if you don't want anyone else, why is it so freaking difficult to let me into your heart? if you want us to stay together, why is it always have to be me trying so hard to understand? not you?
♥ | ♤
One thing i could never confess to you will also be the biggest fear i have about us. Us. there have been push and pull. up and down. and we are still holding strong.. I'm glad.. I'm grateful.. I'm relieved.. yet.. i'm still scared. what if.. ..we are in love with delusional us? what if.. you are in love with a different me in your head..? and me, a different you..? once we can finally meet.. only then we'll find out the answer.. until then.. i'll remain scared..
I've told you. again and again. ..that forever will it be for me to feel blessed.. to be so lucky.. to ever find you. to love you.. ..and to be loved in return. You. of all people in this world. of all people around me. of all the odds for this to happen. You. Only you. Indeed. we are two worlds apart. but we can't be stopped. already in too deep. and still falling in love with each other. You. I love you. more. always. never stop. forever will it be.
a new chapter. YET..
I was broken. I was scared. I had had enough. I chose to close my eyes. I chose to kill my heart. I chose to never love again. Then, i took a step towards the new chapter in my life.. ..yet ..why am i getting all the feelings i thought i had killed? ..who are you to do this to me? ..how easily you break down every wall i built one after another? ..did i let my guard down? before i knew it.. ..the heart i killed has already beating for you.. every beat reminds me of you.. why.. how..
at times, it's hard not to take things for granted. it's inevitable. after spending a lot of time together, and creating endless memories, saying goodbye was never an issue. yet, here it is. strong punches straight to the face. and heart.
respect vs. love
there's a thin line between those two. to find love towards someone you respect can happen every easily as love makes boundaries invincible. you stop pretending. you open up your heart. your willingness skyrocket. your expectation knows no end. ................................................................ Now here's the biggest mistake. remember the boundaries? they are invincible... ... not gone. you know how the story goes.
days turn to nights. seasons changed one after another. hands on the clock keep going in circles. me. frozen.
..at the end.
where i am now, is never what i expected to be. i was left with something i should never get used to. i keep finding myself running. in circles. the pain in my chest. used to love it. a proof i was living. happily. then.... it turned out to be too much. suffocating. excrutiating. i learn to turn my heart into stone. numb. lifeless. stucked in a body of a stranger. ..waiting for the day a hand reaches out to me.
For what I am not.
Should have known long back.. Should have figure out of who I am inside.. Never thought that i am.. Didnt even crossed my mind bout it.. Not once I ever considered the possibility of it. "US" was the answer all along. for what I am not. straight.
What is it that you really want?
Is it my silence that you want? Is it my endless submission? Is it my never ending agreement? Anne. If we just stay the same, how can we bring our relationship stronger? If we never change for the better, we can only grow further apart. You and me. We would only be holding on false belief. A façade full of lies. An eternal hypocrisy.
I have lost it. all of it.. the sparks.. the warmth.. the tickles.. the yearning.. the will.. the strength.. I have lost them all. Now it feels so empty inside..
I know i have had enough.. I know i can't hold on anymore.. I know i have decided to stop hurting myself.. I thought i have stop loving you.. pushing those feelings away.. buried them all up deep within.. I thought WRONG.. The moment i saw your face again.. I could still smile back to you.. Looked at you like i always do.. Opened my heart and letting you in.. Why..? Why are you doing this to me..? My heart is dying... but it seems like it never stops loving you.. Never.
It is not.
You asked. I answered. In ways that I don't want my words to hurt you. but, it only makes you not getting what I really want you to know. and do. The way i see it, you are just standing there. waiting. keep being the one who take what I give. Why can't we switch it up? why can't i be the one being showered with the love? Maybe you think you are all good. and I'll be here forever. I tried. I swear. But i have limits. World doesn't work that way. It is not.
I want to know..
I'm tired.. Tired of chasing.. Tired of doing.. Tired of giving.. Tired of pretending.. Tired of trying too hard.. Tired of holding on too long.. Why? why am i the only one keep giving..? why can't i become the one who accepting..? is it because you can't do the same? is it because you hold on to think you are different than me? is it because you think your way is enough? Tell me.. I want to know..
Why this is happening?
in life, if we keep on stopping and getting back to the start, every time we hit a wall in relationship, again and again, wonder how far can we actually be.. ..guess we'll never know.
When the time comes where my love for you runs out.. when it actually happens.. You only have yourself to blame.
My head had had enough.. My heart had had too much.. My tears had had fallen endlessly.. But why...? Why my hand is still holding yours all too tight..? Why...?
dear Anne.. I love you... wholeheartedly.