Why am I broken?

No matter how many people are around me, I still can't help but feel lonely, and the loneliness is killing me. What's wrong with me? I can't remember the last time I smiled without faking it. I go to sleep every night in tears. And I hate that I feel this way. Everything that people close to me do, hurts me. When my boyfriend can't make it to a date, and that happens a lot, I always feel like it's my fault and like I did something wrong. I think that having no boyfriend or friends wouldn't hu...

24 August 2013, 05:37 PM
l
love
comment

Wake me up when July ends.

I've spent every day of this month crying. I don't know why, I guess it's because my birthday is soon. I hate that day. This will be my second birthday without grandpa and I don't think I can do it. All of my friends are going somewhere, my boyfriend too. I'm not even sure I want him to be my boyfriend anymore. Oh, this is all too much. I started thinking about suicide and cutting again, and I am afraid I'll do something stupid. Help me.

07 July 2013, 10:49 PM
l
love
comment
Img_dload12091-0_journal_pane

I cannot sleep. The reason? Unknown, to some point. My thoughts do have a way of keeping me awake. The ghosts of my past enjoy haunting me in the dead of the night. Dead people, alive people, heartbroken people, and the ones who broke me. They all make a feast in my head, they mock me, they mess with me. The darkness brings the memories, I choose to keep the lights on and my mind distracted. Should I try to sleep? I will lie down and think about something that makes me happy. I'll think about...

27 April 2013, 02:59 AM
l
love
comment
Img_dload29833-1_journal_pane

I don't love you, though.

''I love you, you know that, right? I always have, I guess sometimes a man needs to drink to admit it. But I do love you.'' Why? Why now? I got over him, I did. I got the idea of the two of us being together out of my head. I stopped thinking about him, I stopped having feelings for him. And now this? No, he can't do this to me, I won't let him. I just want to stay friends, we can't be anything else but that. I don't love him, not in a romantic way. I see him only as a person that came into m...

27 April 2013, 02:46 AM
l
love
comment
Img_dload14796-1_journal_pane

Where do I go from here?

Last night was good. I realised something, I'm over him. It took me some time to realise that, but now I know it for sure. I was never really that into him, he was just something to grab onto, since I felt I had nobody else. He made me feel safe and he gave me a reason to stop hurting myself, but he was never the reason itself. The only thing that still hurts is that I don't have him by my side as a friend. I don't have that one person to call after a long day at school, when I feel like fall...

16 February 2013, 07:54 PM
l
love
comment
Img_dload16178-1_journal_pane

I have become comfortably numb.

After every heartbreak comes a healing phase, and it seems this one is going to last. I have come back to my old habits, I drink, I smoke and I feel the urge to cut. I'll keep resisting that urge, as long as I have support, but even my friends have started to avoid me. Am I such a burden to people? I don't know. I've spent my pocket money on pot, that'll cheer me up. Then I won't feel pain, I won't feel guilt, I won't feel anything, I'll be numb.

15 February 2013, 03:17 PM
l
love
comment
Img_dload25880-0_journal_pane

Nobody loves you.

I woke up with a pain in my stomach and a piercing headache, depressing thoughts flew trough my head. 'Happy Valentine's day.' I thought. 'Nobody loves you.' How am I not supposed to get depressed when I have this magnificent annual reminder of how my life sucks? But you don't know my story, so let's begin with the love life. When your first kiss turns into the worst thing ever, you are bound to, at some point, think your love life is going to be horrible. However, it's not like that in...

15 February 2013, 12:56 AM
l
love
comment
Img_dload26145-0_journal_pane

..And in the times when it seemed as if it really mattered, I couldn’t force myself to feel. My body would simply go numb and my emotions would disappear without a trace. I tried to show off some sympathy, but the waves of the world had washed the feelings off of me. Maybe the weight I carry is far less heavy than most people’s, but on my weak shoulders it trembles to stay on top, pushing me down, deeper into the ground. And emotions are nothing but a burden. I, alone, struggle to survive, to...

10 February 2013, 02:48 PM
l
love
comment

Now we are nothing but strangers.

He finally sent me a message today. He said he didn't break up with me because he thought he had a chance with her, he knows he doesn't. He did it because he thought he was being unfair towards me. Bullshit. He did it because he didn't want to feel guilty, not because he has morals, but because he's selfish. I know him, he can't fool me. And it hurts that he thinks he can just do that. He threw everything away and now there is nothing left. We don't even have the friendship we used to have. N...

10 February 2013, 01:37 PM
l
love
comment