I get it. I can objectively step out of my depression and see how illogical it is. As Stephen Fry said, "...what the fuck right do I have to be lonely, unhappy or forlorn?" I'm from a lower middle class family, a student at a highly ranked university, have a few friends, enjoy various activities, and all the rest that millions upon millions of people don't have the opportunity to enjoy. "Worse things have happened to better people." And yet, here I am still. All logic telling me otherwise I ...

24 March 2014, 11:31 PM
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1 love: damagedgoods
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I’m trying. I can’t tell you why things have gotten so hard so quickly. everything seems impossible right now. there’s so much fear in me. i want to know why and I want to know how to change it. I’m afraid I’m not in control of my own head. There used to be a semblance of control. An ability to do things I thought I had to do. Right now, I can’t do things I want to do. It’s really terrifying to be honest. I like to think about my human capabilities. My will. My previously perceived strength ...

16 March 2014, 07:42 AM
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I can hate myself as much as anyone else, but I'm not so certain that it's a bad thing. I always return to this idea that unhappiness is a necessary starting point. That only the unhappy can create anything worthwhile. Whether it's music, science, books, or anything really. It always seems to come from pain. It's just a matter of having the right balance of pure, blinding depression and the narcissism to think you have something interesting to say. Depression is one of the most interesting ...

12 March 2014, 09:57 PM
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2 loves: blaqkn8,thepaintedskys
3 comments: blaqkn8,theearlynovember

cheating

One thing I don't think is considered often enough is the general confusion that accompanies relationships for some people. I've been in long relationships in which I've questioned every feeling I had. I didn't know if they were genuine. I didn't know if I was forcing it. I didn't know if I just wanted to feel love and the other person didn't actually matter. Turns out a little of that was true, but mostly, I was young and thought there was always going to be butterflies. I didn't realize thi...

11 March 2014, 01:35 AM
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1 love: medinaabigail15
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I've had so much trouble finding someone who enjoys conversation. I always seem to interact with people who take opinions way too seriously and any deviation from their own immediately sends them into a rage at which point there is no reasoning with them and no reason to continue the conversation. I always thought the point of talking with people was to get as many different brains working on an idea. There's no doubt in my mind that my mind works a bit differently than yours. I may think I ...

10 March 2014, 02:57 AM
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Do we have free will?

10 March 2014, 01:35 AM
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How do you do it? How do you keep the doubts out and keep moving forward? How do you stop every thought from tearing you apart? Where is the fear? Why aren't you as scared as I am? It's a continuous stream of nothingness, darkness, and doubt. It isn't so bad when it isn't crippling. Then I can't stop it from being every thought. I have nothing else in my head. I'm isolated from the rest of existence. The world is moving, but I'm not. I can't keep up, I'm paralyzed.

05 March 2014, 02:26 AM
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What Saved You?

For me, it was music. I think that's fairly common. I've heard a lot of stories about music. Some about books. Some about art. It always seems to be something that allows people to be themselves and to express their feelings without being self conscious. Whether it's punk rock letting you be okay with being an outcast. Or art letting you express the unique way you see the world. Or writing letting you get the stories or pain or even comedy out into the world. I think the transition from lost...

03 March 2014, 08:17 PM
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2 comments: haysmelissa08,theearlynovember

I could come here every other day and complain. There's always plenty to complain about, but I don't see the point. Besides these complaints hardly mean anything to me, let alone anybody else. The things I have to complain about are tiny issues that don't influence my mood much at all. The real issues are deeper and I can't touch them with thought or words. Their explanations are out of reach and altering my feelings through thought seems as likely as using thought to move mountains. I want...

03 March 2014, 07:30 PM
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I think I'm conflicted more than I want to admit. Getting older and feeling the same inside is making me more and more nervous. I have to be a grown up, someday. I'm not immature. I'm mostly calm. I mostly like learning. But there's still part of me that doesn't want to fall into a routine that defines life for the majority of people. It's silly to want to be special, especially when you aren't sure exactly what you can offer, but I still feel panic whenever I think of a normal life. A normal...

02 March 2014, 09:12 PM
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One of those periods when waking up is the worst part of my day.

01 March 2014, 07:40 AM
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Waiting

Struggle. It's tiring, waiting. It always feels like waiting to me. It always feels like some other time will be the best time, or the fear that the past was the best time. That I'm beyond it now. That I've lost it, the happiness. The ability to trust and feel completely without being afraid of what that means. Now, everything feels like a question waiting for an answer. Every answer leads to a new question so that progress feels slow or nonexistent. This year feels like last year, and last ...

01 March 2014, 02:27 AM
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2 loves: thepaintedskys,blaqkn8
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Where have I gone? I've gone in reverse. reverting. melting. forming a puddle on the ground. I look. Up and down. I can't see where I was. I can't tell why I'm not anything. green and yellow. it should be blue. it's always blue. blue on yellow surround. eyes wide and stretched and fat. reflect and refract. fire fire fire. light or dark it doesn't matter. always active always hyper. fire fire fire. strain. close and tear, tear. weight normal. perpendicular to progress. resist. fire fire fir...

25 February 2014, 11:07 PM
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1 love: Mary_St_James
2 comments: Mary_St_James,theearlynovember
Journal_pane_9824901393311189

Geometric structure of brain fiber pathways

25 February 2014, 06:53 AM
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Closing in on 11:00 pm. I should be studying and can make the case I am since the lecture podcast is playing right now. The obvious fact that my attention is elsewhere ruins any chance I'm taking this information in. I have a midterm (well, an exam it's nowhere near the midpoint of this term) tomorrow. The class is Mammalian Vision. The name is slightly misleading. The class is pure neuroscience with one of the best professors I've had in college. I'm tired. I've been tired consistently, reg...

25 February 2014, 06:50 AM
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new

I'm looking for a decent place to write. Nothing brilliant, just a place to say a few things when I feel it and read other people's thoughts. That sort of connection is nice to experience and it's been awhile. I've been overwhelmed by life of late, it's nothing unique.

24 February 2014, 11:12 PM
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