Journal_pane_10172471416271829

I must let go of her!

My mind and Heart are at civil war. Megan NEVER opened her Heart to me and it was never mine to take. Maybe I deserve her for the wrongs I've done in my past. Megan's Heart truly is worthless, all she was ever worth was opening her legs/ laying on her back. It brakes my Heart to say that but its the cold truth that's Megan. I really must let go of her. She is lost on the inside and I TRIED and TRIED again to help her; be there for her, but shes hell bent/stubborn on being lost! All I can do i...

18 November 2014, 12:50 AM
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Journal_pane_10172471416185942

Whiskey Years take two...

He sits in the bar, drinking himself stupid, one jack-N-coke after the next. No one takes hold (notices) the cowboy going through his whiskey years. He desperately wants to share his pain, to vent, for at least one beautiful woman to rescue his Heart. But all that can come out of his mouth are small phrases of gibberish making him feel even dumber than he already does. He knows its unattractive to women to mope but he doesn't care. He's not drinking for attention, he's drinking to run from a ...

17 November 2014, 12:59 AM
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Journal_pane_10172471415965713

Too much...

I've lost so many, 22 in Iraq, 13 at home, more than I can count in the Heart. At times it feels like too much to bear! I hate the fact that I'm alone-that I have to bear the weight of the past on my own. I hate it when someone says "just let it go" ...ok jack ass if it was that easy I'm sure I would have a long time ago but fortunately I have a f*cking Heart that works and because it works I'm incapable of forgetting the faces of those I killed in Iraq or the faces of my brothers I watched d...

14 November 2014, 11:48 AM
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1 love: laaalooo999f
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Journal_pane_10172471415699569

Dear Megan

I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings or to tell you what you don't want to hear! I'm not afraid to come off as mean or hard on you over certain issues. Cant you see why? It's because I CARE about you!!! I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear, I'm going to tell you what you need to hear, because I'm a real friend and I'm not afraid to give you "tough love!" You NEED help and if these other "friends" of yours are to hollow to give you anything other than alcohol or sex than f*ck them! ...

11 November 2014, 09:53 AM
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Journal_pane_10172471415698514

Could be...

As she's ending her day, I'm beginning mine. We have an opportunity in "that" moment to share a conversation, something beautiful between us-(companionship) and i don't mean anything romantic; just being there for each other, being real, being real friends. But she is hollow and in less I anny up alcohol she wont take advantage of the moment. Unfortunately I cant give her alcohol through the phone or computer and to be quite frank I wouldn't.... How sad she is...

11 November 2014, 09:35 AM
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1 love: laaalooo999f
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Journal_pane_10172471414330182

Make a Name

My name and my Honor mean a lot to me and I allowed her to damage my career a little. I've had my Heart hurt by her in many ways, then she took a blow to my career as she is a fellow fire fighter. She cost me a promotion at my station but with my resume being as impressive as it is I got the promotion she cost me at another neighboring station that wanted me. To spite the good news of promotion I'm still livid that she cost me my station. I've been a mess for a while but I am a Man and a Mar...

26 October 2014, 01:29 PM
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1 love: zulumbalenhle9
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Journal_pane_10172471414147418

Lost

Is it possible to feel so dam lost? Am I allowing my pain and loneliness to control me that much? I'd like to think not but then the anger wants to take hold of me and that's not who I want to be. An ocean of "friends" yet I don't want even one of them to know this struggle inside of me-I'd rather them view me as strong. With this logic I'm screwed, what I mean is all I can be is alone because I don't feel like I can honestly lean on anyone anymore. I want to be Loved but these thoughts and f...

24 October 2014, 11:43 AM
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Journal_pane_10172471413882778

30

Getting rid of a vermin, I'm not letting myself communicate with her for the next 30 days starting today. I'm tired of her neglect and disrespect toward me. She is bluntly using me for attention and it's not right. She's sucking the life out of me... I wonder how long it will take her if at all to notice that I'm ignoring her? Just tired of her Heartless (selfish) treatment (behavior) to my Heart. Taking these next 30 days to liberate myself of her bull shit. I did give her a chance unkno...

21 October 2014, 10:13 AM
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Journal_pane_10172471413643911

A vain Hope

It’s not easy trying to forget her, such an inner conflict. Why can’t I just move on? I almost wish I could just let go as easily as she did. I keep hoping and praying that her Heart will change or grow into something real and of value. I can hope and I can dream but she is as lost as possible. She is a prisoner of the night life, her reasons maybe her insecurities, a desire for attention, all I know is her reasons are not for friends, herself or fun!

18 October 2014, 03:52 PM
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2 loves: blaqkn8,zulumbalenhle9
1 comment: blaqkn8
Journal_pane_10172471413535441

Trying to touch a Dream.

When I reach out to her it feels like I'm reaching out to no one cause there's nothing there. If love was just beautiful pleasant sounds and the heart one's ears than I'm a great singer and she's deaf i.e. I have a lot of Love to give but she doesn't have a Heart to hear with. To spite her absence there's something "white" in her. She's not all "black" or to spite her obsession with the "grey" she's not all "grey". She has to have "white" (good) in her somewhere because she's still here...She...

17 October 2014, 09:44 AM
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Journal_pane_10172471413337908

Reaching out...

I want to reach out to her so badly, I want to say something nice and kind to her because she randomly did (through a text to me) the other morning which makes me want to believe that somewhere inside of her, her Heart does in fact have feelings but I sit here and do nothing. I don't trust her at ALL! She has treated me like a fool from the start, lying to me (even straight to my face). And every time I go out of my way to be nice or kind to her she throws it in my face. I wrote her letters/...

15 October 2014, 02:51 AM
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Journal_pane_10172471413207073

She still hasnt changed...

I've been doing my best to live on, to let go of her. It's been a daily battle (in my Heart) and I've been able to refrain from contacting her but yesterday morning at 4:56 a.m. she sent me a text, not just any but I'll let you the reader decide: "You were intoxicating I couldn't control the urge Your intensity was overwhelming That chapter had closed And we have moved on But as I lay here in the night I can't help but think of your comfort" after she sent that text we lightly talked then she...

13 October 2014, 02:31 PM
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1 comment: zulumbalenhle9
Journal_pane_10172471412048325

In Search of Sunrise

I've been given this time to heal, rebuild and get stronger. A new start for a better future or at least that's what I keep telling myself. I've made many mistakes in my life, I've got plenty of pain from the past as all people do but the only thing I care about is Love and each time I get hurt in the Heart it seems to be the only real time I truly hurt in life. Love is all that matters to me and maybe that's what's holding me back in life-is my desire to find "Her." I Love my job but get bli...

30 September 2014, 04:38 AM
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Journal_pane_10172471411526746

New Beggining

Leaving Az. in flames I was burned by the one who stole my Heart. Now they've stationed me in Ohio where I have a fresh start-a new beginning... I should be excited but I'm not, I'm still sad over the loss of a lost cause back in Az. then I think about all the possibilities for Love in this new place!!! Awe there's my excitement!! Maybe this is where I'll find the one, find HER!

24 September 2014, 03:46 AM
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1 comment: blogger1992
Journal_pane_10172471410319183

Worth and purpose

She is a liar but my purpose is to show her more...hard when she's lied to me-used me...why am I fulfilling my purpose in her life and or helping her??? For her futures sake I do what I am...she may not understand now, or see now...but her future will thank me!!! She's being saved from her own fatal flaw!

10 September 2014, 04:19 AM
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2 comments: zulumbalenhle9,thelastcowboy
Journal_pane_10172471410142401

A Man Apart

I've been around the world, fought in war, Loved, had my Heart broken (in the middle of war). Secretly in pieces and lonely I try to carry on through life hoping women wont see through me. I'm physically strong, full of confidence I dance, but to no ends-none of this matters as I still cant find true Love! How I wish I knew her. I'm 31 and feel like a failure because I cant find...her... But I'm not a failure, truth be told I'm a very successful Man. I just need to remind myself it's in God's...

08 September 2014, 03:13 AM
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1 love: zulumbalenhle9
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