Chasing dreams

I wake up every morning with only one thing on my mind, writing. I go through my day exploring words and the power they truly have. Then before I go to sleep at night, I read a book. Words are a huge part of my life, my identity. Writing stories, creating worlds, manufacturing souls, there is nothing more important to me in this world than the written word. But I just can't help but believe the disturbing voice inside my head telling me I won't make it. And I need to make, otherwise I seize...

29 July 2015, 02:24 PM
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I would have chosen you over anything, but you took that away from me.

29 July 2015, 02:16 PM
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Moving on!

So I went back to my old school the other day to see an old friend. Imagine my surprise when on the very same day my ex decides he wants to come too and visit his new girlfriend. It really shouldn't bother me but considering the fact that he is the only guy I have ever loved and I probably wont ever love any body the way I did him in a long time, it kind of does get to me a bit. He looks a bit skinny now though, not the masculine hunk he used to be, I guess that gives me some closure.

29 July 2015, 02:14 PM
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Am I crazy...

So for a while now 've actually been quite happy, well not exactly happy but rather content. Its quite a scary feeling for me, I cannot remember the last time I was ever content, infact I highly doubt that I have ever been content. But here I am, living life like any other normal human being and I'm actually very uncomfortable with it. It feels wrong, so unlike me... I miss feeling pain, crying, shame. Maybe I'm just a masochist, I don't know... But I hate being ok, it does not sit well with me.

29 July 2015, 02:07 PM
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thoughts

Hearts get torn apart everyday, but we make the best of the pain. That's arts right, realising the beauty in chaos, in brokenness...

05 May 2015, 07:28 PM
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1 love: Mariam_1997
1 comment: Mariam_1997

Ana says starve

I've never been an anorexic, but I have always been conscious of my weight.... And I always like myself better when I lose it... Sometimes I envy them you know, anorexic people. The kind of discipline and self control it takes to not eat. I envy that. And I know I shouldn't, I know its an illness and at some point it controls them but I can't help it. I feel too desperate to lose weight I'm not even sure why

15 April 2015, 10:18 AM
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1 love: samcromer18
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My mind might kill me

My brain is like a black whole of tragic events, every where I go all I see are targets for my own demise. Like walking on the side walk, I just stare at cars passing near me and imagine how it would look if they ran over me. Or simply going to the beach I cant touch the water without being tempted to let the waves carry me away. Every corner, kitchens, gas stations... I see a million ways to die every single day. I read some where that the tedium of contemplation is what drives the victim to...

02 April 2015, 09:48 AM
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1 love: samcromer18
2 comments: singer.girl12,monicaj

IDK

It just feels like noise, all of it. Life just doesn't give you the opportunity to breathe, have a little peace, a bit of silence.... Its all just huge rush. I don't know how many times I've contemplated suicide, how many time I even attempted it. Gosh I am so sad, I am surrounded by people who claim to love me but they can't see it... I smile yes but my eyes don't, they should see it shouldn't they?

02 April 2015, 09:38 AM
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Sedaven

So I'm back here and there are a couple of things I need to do: 1)Smile, he's watching. Don't let him see that ur hurting 2)Laugh, they're watching. Don't let them know that u cry 3)Cut, it'll take away the pain while ur around them. 4)Pretend u don't care that he doesn't love u 5)Pretend u like being invisible 6)They just mustnt know that u wanna die

17 November 2014, 07:08 PM
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I'm hungry!!!!!

08 November 2014, 07:34 PM
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Love

I can't help myself... I love him and there's nothing I can do to get rid of it.

07 November 2014, 08:32 PM
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1 love: thelastcowboy
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HeLp

Can't eat, can't sleep. I thought people where just exaggerating when they said these things. But depression can show u flames apparently.

03 November 2014, 08:18 PM
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2 loves: thelastcowboy,samcromer18
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Confessions

That awkward moment when your boyfriend finds out you are bulimic... Then he demands to know what else is it that he doesn't know about me, and I have to go "uhm did I mention that I'm self mutilative... It helps me cope with my depression" Then he looks at me like I disgust him, turns his back on me and walks away... Fortunately this is only a dream, but its the kind of dream that will prevent me from telling him about my struggle because I'm afraid he will leave.

01 November 2014, 12:03 PM
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1 love: wonderaroundtilidie
1 comment: thelastcowboy

Damn

I really just wanna fall of a cliff right now. Or get shot, or hit by a car, or get strangled

13 October 2014, 03:41 PM
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3 loves: wonderaroundtilidie,HeartRhythms,samcromer18
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PaIN

I'm not feeling the pain any more. I need my pain, its all I know and all that I can call my own. Without it I... Who am I without it? I feel numb, empty, I can't handle that, I can't deal without my emotions. What kind of an artist doesn't feel... I need my pain.

13 October 2014, 03:33 PM
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2 loves: wonderaroundtilidie,bluebarry
1 comment: thelastcowboy

stuck

The problem is that, I keep forgetting the pain he put me through... I need to remember that pain, need to hold onto it... Its the only way I can be able to let him go

05 October 2014, 08:35 PM
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4 loves: daveejamm,rhonadam,wonderaroundtilidie , ...
1 comment: thelastcowboy

Jealous

I don't mind you flirting, honestly I don't even mind seing you with other girls because I'm not here to change you. That is who you are, so ill always let you do you without compromise. I only have one request from you though, make time for me. Even if its just 5 minutes make time for just you and me without the crowd that's usually flocking around you. Is that too much to ask... I don't think so

01 October 2014, 09:36 PM
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2 loves: wonderaroundtilidie,thelastcowboy
2 comments: thelastcowboy

need to understand

I keep trying to explain my situation to myself. My situation is that I am in pain and nobody knows it, even I have trouble knowing it. So I tell myself, over and over, 'you are in pain.' It is the only way I can get through to myself. I am demonstrating externally and irrefutably an inward condition.

13 September 2014, 02:24 PM
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3 loves: thelastcowboy,wonderaroundtilidie,HeartRhythms
2 comments: thelastcowboy,zulumbalenhle9

Bestfriend convo

Him: why are you. laughing? Me: cause its funny. Him: yeah but you've been smiling and laughing all day its making me kind of uncomfortable. Me: r u sick? Him: no I just happen to know you aren't happy... I think I died on the spot. 5 deaths in 2 seconds I tell you. Love my bestfriend for days *teardrop*

12 September 2014, 07:39 PM
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2 loves: daveejamm,wonderaroundtilidie
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Used

Friend: Don't you just hate being used? Me: No, I embrace it. There is always a silver lining. If they use you or break you down, consider it a stepping stone... If it happens again its just another stepping stone. It may be hard but remember all you are doing is climbing higher!

11 September 2014, 04:09 PM
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3 loves: marmie,blaqkn8,wonderaroundtilidie
2 comments: blaqkn8,zulumbalenhle9